Why Me?

    "For the kingdom of heaven will be like a man going on a journey, who called his servants and entrusted to them his property. To one he gave five talents, to another two, to another one, to each according to his ability. Then he went away." Matthew 25:14-15
 

A few months ago I was telling a friend about my relationship frustrations with a family member. I wanted the relationship to be more than it was but I was mostly frustrated because I didn't think I had a right to want that. Honestly, I think I have a perfect family. The more I see of other families the more this belief is confirmed. I have some friends who have some pretty awesome families, but mine is still better. We communicate, we laugh together, we don't fight, we are comfortable around each other, and being an adult living at home is actually a pretty great thing in my house. I adore my family. Yet we're not entirely perfect, and on this particular evening I was expressing to my friend the things I'd like to see change, but how ridiculous I felt for it. God said something pretty incredible through her that night. "Christy, remember the parable Jesus told about the man who gave his servants different numbers of talents? You have been given so much, but that does not give you a right to bury what you have in the earth because you have more than other people. Your responsibility to God is to multiply what you have been given. Make the most of it. Make it all it can be." It is the way of the Kingdom.

Sometimes I feel guilty for having so much. Sometimes I feel like I have everything the people I love want. I hate it. It's not fair. I have asked God so many times to give them the next happy thing, instead of me - I have plenty. Yet He continues to heap blessings on me, and so many people I know continue to be disappointed. The other night when I was crying over one such situation I was reminded of the parable of the talents and God told me that I had no right whatsoever to waste what I was given because I wanted someone else to have it. Later God brought to mind the end of Hebrews 11.

    And all these, having gained approval through their faith, did not receive what was promised, because God had provided something better for us, so that apart from us they would not be made perfect. Hebrews 11:39-40

The application God implied was different from how I have ever looked at those verses before. In a sense, if I live my life to the fullest, relishing the blessings of God and walking in triumphant victory, then I am validating the faith of the people who believe in God's abundant blessings but are not currently seeing them in their own lives. My life can give them reason to keep hoping. It's humbling to think that I have that kind of role.


    "Everyone to whom much was given, of him much will be required, and from him to whom they entrusted much, they will demand the more." Luke 12:48

I am, and I am becoming

I am one with God.

Yes, it's true, but sometimes I find this hard to believe.

Jesus came to earth and took the penalty for the sins of man kind, not so that we could live forever in mansions connected by streets of gold, but so that we could have a relationship with God. Not just any relationship, but a covenant relationship. When God made a covenant with Abram He change Abrams name, adding part of His own. When God became Immanuel and lived among men, He took on our identity. He was called the Son of Man. He took our sin as His own, and gave us His righteousness and position before God as our own. The book of John is full of such references. Jesus states "I and my Father are one." And then says "that they may be one, even as You, Father, are in Me and I in You, that they may be in Us… I in them, and You in me, that they may be perfected in unity."

Scripture says that I stand in the righteousness of Christ, that in Him I have been made complete, that I am joint heir with Christ in the inheritance of the kingdom, that I am indwelled with the very Spirit of God, that I am currently sitting in heavenly places with Christ.

I believe all these things to be true. You see, God is not bound by time. He created it, and exists outside of it. All of eternity is "now" to Him, in a sense. He sees me, in what is "now" for me, as I simply "am" in His eyes – eternally perfect.

God's opinion is the only one that really matters, right? Well He says I'm perfect. He says I'm complete. He says I'm one with Him. He says I cannot ever lose His love.

This presents a dilemma. You see, I do not always live as if I am perfect. I do not live as if I am one with a holy God.

As I see it, I could respond to this dilemma in three different ways. I could say that it doesn't matter how I live because I am positionaly sanctified before God already, I could throw up my hands in resignation and say that no one is perfect so all I can do is my best, or I could believe that what I am in God's eyes is what I some day will be, and is something I can become this side of death. I choose the third response. I believe it is possible to attain at least some level of perfection even while I am tied to a carnal body. Why? Because perfection is not defined as a certain way of living, a certain set of beliefs or actions, a list of dos and don'ts. Becoming perfect is becoming the same as God, which is accomplished by knowing and abiding in Christ. It is walking in the Spirit. It is conforming to His image. This is something I can do right now. And the more I know Him, the more I will be like Him, and as a result, less sinful and like the world and it's ruler. To put it bluntly, I believe that as I know God better I will stop sinning.

I am one with God, yet I am also becoming one with Him.

There are times when I feel like I just might be getting there. There are times when I feel the unity of my self and my God to such a degree that mt every action and every word seems sacred. I can feel the very Spirit of God flowing out of me. I think His thoughts, I respond to His promptings. I love days like that.

Then there are other days. Days when I seem to come out of a stupor and am shocked by the selfish, sinful choices I have made… only to turn around and make them again. On these days I beg God for His strength to get out of the muck I feel stuck in, yet He is strangely silent. Mutely declaring that I already have the answer I am looking for.

I think I'm starting to understand. Sometimes, when I feel that I am quite in tune with the voice of God and am getting quite close to that state of perfection I am desiring, a little voice whispers in my ear, "Don't you know that you are one with God? Don't you know that your thoughts are His thoughts and your desires His desires? That means you can do whatever you want and it will be right." And sometimes I believe that little voice. Sometimes I start making little, selfish choices, and the next thing I know I'm having "one of those days" when I cannot seem to shake myself from the clutches of my own selfishness.

Here is why it is so easy for me to believe that little voice. Scripture says that if we walk in the Spirit we are not under the law. It says that Christ abolished the law and has given us freedom. Conservative churches have shied away from passages like these because of the very results I have found in my own life, but truth misapplied is no less truth. Truth must be approached through the eyes of it's Author. Galatians 5 says, "For you were called to freedom, brethren. Only do not turn your freedom into an opportunity for the flesh, but through love serve one another… But this I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not carry out the desires of the flesh."

So this lesson, like most of the others God has taught me in the last 3 years, comes back to abiding. If I am walking continuously in the Spirit, filled with the truth of God, in constant communion with Christ, and consistently wary of the voice of the enemy of my soul - or that of my own flesh - speaking things that sound like truth, if I live in God I will not sin, because I will become like Him.

So I am learning that I exist in two states at the same time. I am, and I am also becoming. And someday, when my eternal spirit is set free from my time bound body the two states of being will finally unite and I will simply be, before my God and also in Him.

Not going to Haiti [Journal Entry 1-21-10]

This morning people ask “How are you?” and I want to respond, “Not going to Haiti.” I feel like it’s my state of being today.
I feel like I’ve lost something I never even had. Experiences, memories, faith, faces, touches of children, a focused heart. I am in mourning today over the loss.
I know it was the right choice.
I know You will hold the orphans in Haiti.
I know You will use someone else as your hands and feet and heart there.
I know You have something else for me.
I know I am needed here.
I know this doesn’t mean I cannot go later.
Yet…. I cannot see the word “Haiti”, cannot hear of other people’s plans to go, cannot see Annie’s updates, without a sob rising up in me. I rejoice with those who can go, can serve, can wrap Haiti up in their arms. I want to pray, I want to help. Yet today I can only seem to cry, and hold to a shaky trust, and try to go on with life here.

Oh God... meet their needs. Hold their hearts. Flood them with Your love. Send out Your light and truth.
And.. show me Your plan for me, now.
I want to go. But I want Your will.

I’m Gonna Miss Her

[I wrote this on the 12th, but wasn't able to post it until now]


My Grace is leaving for Africa in a week.

That sentence makes me want to cry. Cry for joy. Cry for loss. Cry for excitement. Cry for longing.

Grace is my sister. She comes in with out knocking. She eats my food and steals my favorite chair.

She tells me when she's hurting and lets me cry with her. She prays with me when I'm hurting.

She reminds me of Truth even when I don't want to hear it.

She infects me with her trust and excitement, reminding me that our God is powerfully at work in our word.

I've seen her come to know God in incredible ways in the last year.

And now she is going to hold orphans and feed the hungry and serve "the least of these". And I'm glad. So glad.

But yes, I'm gonna miss her.

Tonight

Tonight I am...
   Enjoying being alone
   Hoping I don't get the stomach flu that is going through my family
   Resting
   Drinking dark chocolate cocoa with chocolate caramel creamer out of a Christmas mug
   Snuggling up in my hoodie with a fuzzy blue blanket
   Planning for Christmas
   Listening to the wind sneak in my window
   Thinking about life, my life in particular
   Asking God questions
Questions about my life and my future - Distant and near. Tangible and abstract. Plausible... and preposterously grand.

God seems quiet tonight, slightly contemplative as well. At any rate, He doesn't seem inclined to tell secrets about the future. So I am left to wonder. I still question.

I had this odd mental picture earlier of my choices laid out in three columns on a page. The first column is titled "What I would like to do this semester" the second, "What seems like the reasonable choice/what others want me to do this semester" and the third, "What God wants me to do this semester."

The first is filled out something like this: Simplify. Keep my room clean and keep up with laundry. Help Mom around the house. Sleep. Be available for coffee with friends. Babysit for some stresses mothers. Name a day of the week and Date With God Day and never compromise that. Spend time in prayer. Blog. Catch up on my book list. Write letters. Go for walks. Breathe. Rest. Be. NOT do college. NOT be busy. NOT have emotional and physical break downs because of stress.

The second looks like this: Work at CHESS. Teach two classes on Wednesdays. Figure out what college credit I have, what I need, and take whatever classes I can to help me finish my degree as soon as possible. (Aka - be stressed, cry a lot, and never get enough sleep.)

The third column looks like this:


Maybe I'm lazy. Maybe busyness and stress are just a part of life. It's how everyone lives, right?
Maybe I'm afraid. Afraid of stress. Afraid of failure. Afraid of missing Life in the busyness.

Yet there is something in me that recoils at the thought of doing what is expected of me, of doing what everyone else does. I want to be different. To go against the flow. To be willing to do eccentric and nonsensical things for God. I want to be like Able, and Noah, and Moses, and Abraham, and Esther, and Ruth, and David, and Benaiah, and Gidion, and Zaccheaus. I want to do what is out of the ordinary- what is extraordinary. I'm afraid of being normal, nominal, mediocre. Still, even these great heros of faith weren't always different, it wasn't that everything they did was shocking and abnormal. They simply knew when to break the mold and follow a different path. How did they know?

Really, I just want to hear from God. If He's talking, I can't hear Him. Sometimes I wish He'd speak up.
But really, really, I know that all I can do is wait, and trust that God will give me answers in His timing. In all honesty that is all I can do, no matter how much I pretend I can do more.

So tonight I will wait, and rest, and anticipate... and ask questions. Who knows, maybe He'll get in a talkative mood if I sit here long enough.

Thankfulness

This Life we are called to live, it is good.

This God we know and serve, He is good.

I swivel my chair from side to side - thinking. I find it hard to believe that one girl could be so, so blessed. My heart is crying just thinking about it, and I am thankful. My God loves me.

August was a phenomenal month. God tore me open in so many ways, and then turned around and healed me. He spoke truth and direction and encouragement. I am recognizing again the value of hard times. The beauty in brokenness. The unspeakable joy in pain. The peace of God in confusion. It is such a perfect place to be. As I have talked to friends who have been going through hard things themselves I see it in them too. It is exciting. God is at work and that usually means ripping away masks, pulling down walls, and thrusting outside of comfort zones… but it is so exciting!

I have been thinking lately about the exceptional group of friends I have. I have talked to quite a few people recently who have a "good group of friends" but nothing like the encouraging group of girls I have who make me smile and laugh so easily, are the first to call me on an error, will not let me believe for a moment that it's ok to give up or live a mediocre life, point me to God with every breath, love me no matter what, and love God so much more.

My family is amazing. I know people say that about their families all the time, but I've been realizing it afresh about mine. My parents are so balanced and trusting and fun and wise. They let me live my life, but want to be a part of it. They are great fun to have discussions with about deep topics. They let me make my own choices but are always there to offer advice. They treat me as if they enjoy being around me. My brothers are pretty amazing too. Jon is the one I can always be real with and will never freak out. He intuitively knows when I'm having a bad day. He balances my impetuous and passionate ideas and always makes me feel loved. Ben makes me laugh. He has deep thoughts to share and is passionate about important things. He loves to have fun and we plan to buy guns and learn to dance together amidst our crazy school schedules. The little guys are just a blast to hang out with and will not be "the little guys" much longer.

I sit here and bask in the joy and amazement of my blessings. It's such a warm feeling. But I don't want to just sit here. I want to use it. "To whom much is given much more shall be required." I have a dream. I have a vision. I have something worth working toward. Something I feel God has called me to. I want to use what I have been given to pour the love and power of Jesus Christ into the lives of others.

What does that look like? I have some ideas. I should blog about them soon.

May the Lamb who was slain receive the reward for His suffering.

It started out so simply.
God started telling me that there were some things that were getting in the way of my effectiveness and relationship with Him. He gave me things to cut back on... time on the phone with my dear friends, "my time" to unwind and chat and surf Facebook, etc. He said that I was too scattered, that He wanted my focus to be here at home.
I could handle that, in fact I agreed.
Then we took it a step farther and a couple friends and I decided to declare the month of August scared to God. We made a list of distractions to avoid, as well as a list of things we wanted to put extra time and energy into such as prayer, studying out some issues we had questions about, time with God, and time with our families.
I was excited about it. I so wanted God to show up in an amazing way as I eliminated distractions and truly dedicated my time to seeking Him. I started asking God to teach us faith, allow us to experience brokenness, to take away all attachment to the world, and to have His heart for others.
I meant it. I wanted Him to do big things.
And then He did.
And that was when it got hard.
He asked me to give up the one thing that I am most attached to.
That's like Him, isn't it? To take us at our word and give us what we ask for? I know that He wants me to be set apart to Him even more than I do.
But... oh, it hurts.
But I still say yes. I still ask Him to push forward. It's come to the point of closing my eyes and simply hanging on for dear life, trying to ignore the emotions. Gritting my teeth and begging Him to cut deeper... and to do it quick before I chicken out again.
That part from Tozer's book that I shared in my last post has so challenged me. I do not want to allow anything to take the place of my God on the throne of my heart. That seems so much more horrible than simply backing off on things that were cutting down on my effectiveness. But that is the reality of it. I am realizing how many time the pronouns "my" and "mine" show up in my vocabulary. And those are the things God is asking for.

I open my hands.
Take them, Father, take them.
I want YOU more.
.... And please make me able to bear it.