Thursday, March 4, 2010

Why Me?


    "For the kingdom of heaven will be like a man going on a journey, who called his servants and entrusted to them his property. To one he gave five talents, to another two, to another one, to each according to his ability. Then he went away." Matthew 25:14-15
 
A few months ago I was telling a friend about my relationship frustrations with a family member. I wanted the relationship to be more than it was but I was mostly frustrated because I didn't think I had a right to want that. Honestly, I think I have a perfect family. The more I see of other families the more this belief is confirmed. I have some friends who have some pretty awesome families, but mine is still better. We communicate, we laugh together, we don't fight, we are comfortable around each other, and being an adult living at home is actually a pretty great thing in my house. I adore my family. Yet we're not entirely perfect, and on this particular evening I was expressing to my friend the things I'd like to see change, but how ridiculous I felt for it. God said something pretty incredible through her that night. "Christy, remember the parable Jesus told about the man who gave his servants different numbers of talents? You have been given so much, but that does not give you a right to bury what you have in the earth because you have more than other people. Your responsibility to God is to multiply what you have been given. Make the most of it. Make it all it can be." It is the way of the Kingdom.

Sometimes I feel guilty for having so much. Sometimes I feel like I have everything the people I love want. I hate it. It's not fair. I have asked God so many times to give them the next happy thing, instead of me - I have plenty. Yet He continues to heap blessings on me, and so many people I know continue to be disappointed. The other night when I was crying over one such situation I was reminded of the parable of the talents and God told me that I had no right whatsoever to waste what I was given because I wanted someone else to have it. Later God brought to mind the end of Hebrews 11.


    And all these, having gained approval through their faith, did not receive what was promised, because God had provided something better for us, so that apart from us they would not be made perfect. Hebrews 11:39-40


The application God implied was different from how I have ever looked at those verses before. In a sense, if I live my life to the fullest, relishing the blessings of God and walking in triumphant victory, then I am validating the faith of the people who believe in God's abundant blessings but are not currently seeing them in their own lives. My life can give them reason to keep hoping. It's humbling to think that I have that kind of role.


    "Everyone to whom much was given, of him much will be required, and from him to whom they entrusted much, they will demand the more." Luke 12:48






Thursday, February 25, 2010

I am, and I am becoming


I am one with God.

Yes, it's true, but sometimes I find this hard to believe.

Jesus came to earth and took the penalty for the sins of man kind, not so that we could live forever in mansions connected by streets of gold, but so that we could have a relationship with God. Not just any relationship, but a covenant relationship. When God made a covenant with Abram He change Abrams name, adding part of His own. When God became Immanuel and lived among men, He took on our identity. He was called the Son of Man. He took our sin as His own, and gave us His righteousness and position before God as our own. The book of John is full of such references. Jesus states "I and my Father are one." And then says "that they may be one, even as You, Father, are in Me and I in You, that they may be in Us… I in them, and You in me, that they may be perfected in unity."

Scripture says that I stand in the righteousness of Christ, that in Him I have been made complete, that I am joint heir with Christ in the inheritance of the kingdom, that I am indwelled with the very Spirit of God, that I am currently sitting in heavenly places with Christ.

I believe all these things to be true. You see, God is not bound by time. He created it, and exists outside of it. All of eternity is "now" to Him, in a sense. He sees me, in what is "now" for me, as I simply "am" in His eyes – eternally perfect.

God's opinion is the only one that really matters, right? Well He says I'm perfect. He says I'm complete. He says I'm one with Him. He says I cannot ever lose His love.

This presents a dilemma. You see, I do not always live as if I am perfect. I do not live as if I am one with a holy God.

As I see it, I could respond to this dilemma in three different ways. I could say that it doesn't matter how I live because I am positionaly sanctified before God already, I could throw up my hands in resignation and say that no one is perfect so all I can do is my best, or I could believe that what I am in God's eyes is what I some day will be, and is something I can become this side of death. I choose the third response. I believe it is possible to attain at least some level of perfection even while I am tied to a carnal body. Why? Because perfection is not defined as a certain way of living, a certain set of beliefs or actions, a list of dos and don'ts. Becoming perfect is becoming the same as God, which is accomplished by knowing and abiding in Christ. It is walking in the Spirit. It is conforming to His image. This is something I can do right now. And the more I know Him, the more I will be like Him, and as a result, less sinful and like the world and it's ruler. To put it bluntly, I believe that as I know God better I will stop sinning.

I am one with God, yet I am also becoming one with Him.

There are times when I feel like I just might be getting there. There are times when I feel the unity of my self and my God to such a degree that mt every action and every word seems sacred. I can feel the very Spirit of God flowing out of me. I think His thoughts, I respond to His promptings. I love days like that.

Then there are other days. Days when I seem to come out of a stupor and am shocked by the selfish, sinful choices I have made… only to turn around and make them again. On these days I beg God for His strength to get out of the muck I feel stuck in, yet He is strangely silent. Mutely declaring that I already have the answer I am looking for.

I think I'm starting to understand. Sometimes, when I feel that I am quite in tune with the voice of God and am getting quite close to that state of perfection I am desiring, a little voice whispers in my ear, "Don't you know that you are one with God? Don't you know that your thoughts are His thoughts and your desires His desires? That means you can do whatever you want and it will be right." And sometimes I believe that little voice. Sometimes I start making little, selfish choices, and the next thing I know I'm having "one of those days" when I cannot seem to shake myself from the clutches of my own selfishness.

Here is why it is so easy for me to believe that little voice. Scripture says that if we walk in the Spirit we are not under the law. It says that Christ abolished the law and has given us freedom. Conservative churches have shied away from passages like these because of the very results I have found in my own life, but truth misapplied is no less truth. Truth must be approached through the eyes of it's Author. Galatians 5 says, "For you were called to freedom, brethren. Only do not turn your freedom into an opportunity for the flesh, but through love serve one another… But this I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not carry out the desires of the flesh."

So this lesson, like most of the others God has taught me in the last 3 years, comes back to abiding. If I am walking continuously in the Spirit, filled with the truth of God, in constant communion with Christ, and consistently wary of the voice of the enemy of my soul - or that of my own flesh - speaking things that sound like truth, if I live in God I will not sin, because I will become like Him.

So I am learning that I exist in two states at the same time. I am, and I am also becoming. And someday, when my eternal spirit is set free from my time bound body the two states of being will finally unite and I will simply be, before my God and also in Him.


Sunday, February 14, 2010

Not going to Haiti [Journal Entry 1-21-10]

This morning people ask “How are you?” and I want to respond, “Not going to Haiti.” I feel like it’s my state of being today.
I feel like I’ve lost something I never even had. Experiences, memories, faith, faces, touches of children, a focused heart. I am in mourning today over the loss.
I know it was the right choice.
I know You will hold the orphans in Haiti.
I know You will use someone else as your hands and feet and heart there.
I know You have something else for me.
I know I am needed here.
I know this doesn’t mean I cannot go later.
Yet…. I cannot see the word “Haiti”, cannot hear of other people’s plans to go, cannot see Annie’s updates, without a sob rising up in me. I rejoice with those who can go, can serve, can wrap Haiti up in their arms. I want to pray, I want to help. Yet today I can only seem to cry, and hold to a shaky trust, and try to go on with life here.

Oh God... meet their needs. Hold their hearts. Flood them with Your love. Send out Your light and truth.
And.. show me Your plan for me, now.
I want to go. But I want Your will.

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

I’m Gonna Miss Her

[I wrote this on the 12th, but wasn't able to post it until now]


My Grace is leaving for Africa in a week.

That sentence makes me want to cry. Cry for joy. Cry for loss. Cry for excitement. Cry for longing.

Grace is my sister. She comes in with out knocking. She eats my food and steals my favorite chair.

She tells me when she's hurting and lets me cry with her. She prays with me when I'm hurting.

She reminds me of Truth even when I don't want to hear it.

She infects me with her trust and excitement, reminding me that our God is powerfully at work in our word.

I've seen her come to know God in incredible ways in the last year.

And now she is going to hold orphans and feed the hungry and serve "the least of these". And I'm glad. So glad.

But yes, I'm gonna miss her.