Thursday, February 26, 2009

Doomed to be Emotional?

Emotions - those things that girls struggle with. You know, those things that make them cry. Anger, despair, glee, sorrow, contentment, confusion, tiredness (does tiredness count as an emotion? It does in my book,) and, always, lots of tears.

For as long as I can remember, I have been tired. For as long as I can remember, becoming over tired meant an emotional melt down. I can count the number of times in my life that I have had a week where I felt well rested and well. I really do not like being emotional. I have a hard time saying the word without scorn creeping into my voice. It is always humbling to admit to others that my emotions have such a strong hold over me.

The last four days have been some of the most emotional I have ever experienced. (Did I mention how much I despise emotional days? I do.) The worst thing was, I really wasn’t sure why I was emotional. I knew something was terribly wrong, I just wasn’t sure what it was.
I felt that I would never be healthy; that I would never consistently have that feeling of well being that so many people in this world take for granted every day, and never have the energy to accomplish what I felt called to. I felt that I would never find a place where I could serve God without the extreme failure I had experienced multiple times before; I cared strongly about people, but could not seem to serve them as I longed… instead I always ended up alienating them and wondering if it would be better for me to just stay out of their lives all together. Worst of all, I felt that I was loosing my passion and joy. Loosing the driving force behind my optimism and dreams – faith and hope, faith that God would make something out of the tangled mess I was sobbing over seemingly every day, and hope that that time would come before too much longer. I didn’t doubt that He could… just that He actually would.
How did I get there? Strangely, I have no idea why these fierce emotions decided to crop up this last week. There have been plenty of times when explaining such emotions would not be difficult, but now? My life is wonderful. I am excited about the ministries I am a part of, the possibilities for the future, and the amazing friends God has placed in my life. Why did my happy little world of emotional stability have to fall apart right now?
I can put names on the emotions I was feeling. I was hurting for a friend and a brother who are struggling. I was struggling to open myself up to the possibility of beginning again the process of restoration in a relationship. But these are things I have dealt with countless times in the last five years.
I was reminded of a note my friend Lauren wrote about “stored up mourning.” She talked about how she was suddenly overwhelmed by emotions stemming from situations that had taken place quite a length of time before, but over which she had never properly mourned. That makes sense to me… but I have already mourned these very things over and over…. and over and over. Why are they still so fresh and painful? Why is it that any memory seems to bring back waves of emotions so strong that I stagger, and question if I have truly dealt with the issue before. Yet I know I have. I did last time this happened. And the time before that. And, yes, the time before that, too.
Why again? Why now? Am I to staunchly renounce my emotions and tell myself to believe the truth? The truth? What is the truth? Honestly, if one more person tells me that I need to just tell myself the truth I think I will strangle them. Coming from a Prophet, that is really saying something! I hate that I feel that way. But I do. Isn’t there more to cling to that “the truth”? I’m tired of that answer. It hasn’t helped me. I have been disillusioned and hurt… I don’t want any more truth. I just want God. How am I to find Him in this maze of emotion? How I abhor my ridiculous emotions!
Still, God met me tonight. I was lying on a dirt mount, wearing a coat I picked up from the drycleaner only this morning. He reminded me (not for the first time) that emotions are not always accurate reflections of circumstances. Just because I feel does not mean it is. He is still quietly directing and orchestrating my life, even while I grope for another tissue. All I can do is wait with patience. It will all be ok, He told me. It will all be ok.
What that means, I do not know.
Why I am so emotional, I do not know.
Oh! How I wish I did! And how I wish I had a cure for it! Did He make me like this? Or is it a character flaw I am supposed to overcome? How I wish I knew! Yet if I must go through times like this frequently, I am willing to do so. I still don't like it.
But it will all be ok.
Somehow.

This is a rather depressing note. I hesitate to even post it. But for some reason I am anyway. Take it with a grain of salt.
__________________________
______________________________________________

While I’m Waiting
I'm waiting
I'm waiting on You, Lord
And I am hopeful
I'm waiting on You, Lord
Though it is painful
But patiently, I will wait

I will move ahead, bold and confident
Taking every step in obedience
While I'm waiting
I will serve You
While I'm waiting
I will worship
While I'm waiting
I will not faint
I'll be running the race
Even while I wait

I'm waiting
I'm waiting on You, Lord
And I am peaceful
I'm waiting on You, Lord
Though it's not easy
But faithfully, I will wait
Yes, I will wait
I will serve You while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting
I will serve You while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting
I will serve you while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting on You, Lord


Did You Ever Need A Song
Did you ever need a song that's soft and low,
Mood indigo, just because
Did you ever need a sabbath space
To sit and face what no one does.
To take off your skin and start over again
Or to lay on your back and cry
The kind that comes to wash your soul,
Scrub you clean and make you whole
The kind that leaves you heavy sighin'

Did you ever need to take account
Of all you've found, what's true or not.
Did you ever need to bare your soul
To be truly know by a loving God
Oh to take off your skin and start over again
Oh to lay on your back and cry
Oh the kind that leaves you puffy eyed,
Weighted with strange peace in side,
The kind that leaves you heavy sighin'
Oh to take off your skin and start over again
Oh to lay on your back and cry
Oh the kind that comes to wash your soul,
Scrub you clean and leave you whole
The kind that leaves you heavy sighin'
Heavy sighin'