Not going to Haiti [Journal Entry 1-21-10]

This morning people ask “How are you?” and I want to respond, “Not going to Haiti.” I feel like it’s my state of being today.
I feel like I’ve lost something I never even had. Experiences, memories, faith, faces, touches of children, a focused heart. I am in mourning today over the loss.
I know it was the right choice.
I know You will hold the orphans in Haiti.
I know You will use someone else as your hands and feet and heart there.
I know You have something else for me.
I know I am needed here.
I know this doesn’t mean I cannot go later.
Yet…. I cannot see the word “Haiti”, cannot hear of other people’s plans to go, cannot see Annie’s updates, without a sob rising up in me. I rejoice with those who can go, can serve, can wrap Haiti up in their arms. I want to pray, I want to help. Yet today I can only seem to cry, and hold to a shaky trust, and try to go on with life here.

Oh God... meet their needs. Hold their hearts. Flood them with Your love. Send out Your light and truth.
And.. show me Your plan for me, now.
I want to go. But I want Your will.