Tonight

Tonight I am...
   Enjoying being alone
   Hoping I don't get the stomach flu that is going through my family
   Resting
   Drinking dark chocolate cocoa with chocolate caramel creamer out of a Christmas mug
   Snuggling up in my hoodie with a fuzzy blue blanket
   Planning for Christmas
   Listening to the wind sneak in my window
   Thinking about life, my life in particular
   Asking God questions
Questions about my life and my future - Distant and near. Tangible and abstract. Plausible... and preposterously grand.

God seems quiet tonight, slightly contemplative as well. At any rate, He doesn't seem inclined to tell secrets about the future. So I am left to wonder. I still question.

I had this odd mental picture earlier of my choices laid out in three columns on a page. The first column is titled "What I would like to do this semester" the second, "What seems like the reasonable choice/what others want me to do this semester" and the third, "What God wants me to do this semester."

The first is filled out something like this: Simplify. Keep my room clean and keep up with laundry. Help Mom around the house. Sleep. Be available for coffee with friends. Babysit for some stresses mothers. Name a day of the week and Date With God Day and never compromise that. Spend time in prayer. Blog. Catch up on my book list. Write letters. Go for walks. Breathe. Rest. Be. NOT do college. NOT be busy. NOT have emotional and physical break downs because of stress.

The second looks like this: Work at CHESS. Teach two classes on Wednesdays. Figure out what college credit I have, what I need, and take whatever classes I can to help me finish my degree as soon as possible. (Aka - be stressed, cry a lot, and never get enough sleep.)

The third column looks like this:


Maybe I'm lazy. Maybe busyness and stress are just a part of life. It's how everyone lives, right?
Maybe I'm afraid. Afraid of stress. Afraid of failure. Afraid of missing Life in the busyness.

Yet there is something in me that recoils at the thought of doing what is expected of me, of doing what everyone else does. I want to be different. To go against the flow. To be willing to do eccentric and nonsensical things for God. I want to be like Able, and Noah, and Moses, and Abraham, and Esther, and Ruth, and David, and Benaiah, and Gidion, and Zaccheaus. I want to do what is out of the ordinary- what is extraordinary. I'm afraid of being normal, nominal, mediocre. Still, even these great heros of faith weren't always different, it wasn't that everything they did was shocking and abnormal. They simply knew when to break the mold and follow a different path. How did they know?

Really, I just want to hear from God. If He's talking, I can't hear Him. Sometimes I wish He'd speak up.
But really, really, I know that all I can do is wait, and trust that God will give me answers in His timing. In all honesty that is all I can do, no matter how much I pretend I can do more.

So tonight I will wait, and rest, and anticipate... and ask questions. Who knows, maybe He'll get in a talkative mood if I sit here long enough.