Hello blog followers! (I assume there are still a few of you out there anyway!)
I am moving my blog to a new location.
You can find it here!
www.chrisnchristy.com
Friday, April 22, 2011
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
Is This Really Happening?
A year ago this evening I was sitting in a coffee shop staring intently into my cup and saying absolutely nothing to the poor nervous man next to me. I was processing at such a deep level. Could this really be happening? To me?
A month ago I shared the story of that day a year ago and all that God was doing in me then. The subsequent days did not get any easier to handle. On Easter Sunday my wonderful and insightful brother Jonathan reminded me that as a woman God had created me with amazing abilities and talents but that I needed a strong support structure to be able to function at the full capacity God intended for me. He said he wouldn’t always be able to fill that role for me and I’d have to find someone else.
My struggle to define and accept my friendship with Chris was only accentuated by the judgemental spirit and snide comments of others. I almost dropped Chris all together a couple times simply because I didn’t want to loose standing friendships and trust over a guy who I wasn’t sure I wanted in my life in the first place. But God wouldn’t let me, and I knew He was using Chris for something bigger.
This guy was so good for me. Anyone who knew me well could see it. He knew how to make me hear truth, he knew how to make me happy. He was so much fun and I loved spending time with him. I loved how I always felt like I had seen God after I’d been around Him.
The whole time God was asking me to trust Him more deeply, to completely relinquish my grip on my plans for my life and let Him lead regardless of the destination. I was so afraid of being hurt again or hurting someone I loved, of letting someone close and then loosing them. At this point I wasn’t so much afraid of God asking me to get married as I was of allowing myself to want it and then it not happening the way I thought it would. I was afraid I would let my guard down and fall in love with Chris but that instead of it being God’s way of fulfilling the need He had finally convinced me was there, that He would use it as a lesson in letting go and dealing with pain and finding Him in loss. I wasn’t sure I could handle another one of those just yet.
April 19th I had a long conversation with my parents. I expressed how I saw things, saw Chris, and couldn’t believe this was happening. I told them what I was afraid of. My mom did lots of laughing at me. My Dad didn’t give as much direction as I’d hoped for. “You’re in a good place. Just wait and see what Chris does.” Great, thanks.
I went for a long walk and spilled all my thoughts to God. I finally collapsed on a picnic table and waited for Him to answer. “As long as you and Chris continue to point each other to Me, don’t be afraid of it or where it might go.” That was all I got from Him, but it was enough. I knew my God was trust worthy and would never give me more pain than necessary. I know my relationship with Chris was good, and that whatever God did with it, He would only make it better. I thought I was ready for whatever came next, but when it actually happened, when I was actually sitting in that coffee shop having that conversation it was still so much harder than I thought it would be.
I sat there completely numb, still staring into the chai I had hardly touched. My mind was racing, begging God for clarity, for words, for something. I knew I needed to say something to Chris before the silence stretched any longer. He finally summarized. “Christy, nothing would make me happier than to be able to do all that I can to encourage you, to point you to God, and to make you happy.” He was asking me to let him be the support God had told me I needed.
I finally found words. “I think... I think I’m ok with that.”
Chris grinned.
“You sure?”
“Yes.”
I’m so very thankful I’ve had that man in my life for the last year. I’m so thankful I took the step of faith and said yes.
A month ago I shared the story of that day a year ago and all that God was doing in me then. The subsequent days did not get any easier to handle. On Easter Sunday my wonderful and insightful brother Jonathan reminded me that as a woman God had created me with amazing abilities and talents but that I needed a strong support structure to be able to function at the full capacity God intended for me. He said he wouldn’t always be able to fill that role for me and I’d have to find someone else.
My struggle to define and accept my friendship with Chris was only accentuated by the judgemental spirit and snide comments of others. I almost dropped Chris all together a couple times simply because I didn’t want to loose standing friendships and trust over a guy who I wasn’t sure I wanted in my life in the first place. But God wouldn’t let me, and I knew He was using Chris for something bigger.
This guy was so good for me. Anyone who knew me well could see it. He knew how to make me hear truth, he knew how to make me happy. He was so much fun and I loved spending time with him. I loved how I always felt like I had seen God after I’d been around Him.
The whole time God was asking me to trust Him more deeply, to completely relinquish my grip on my plans for my life and let Him lead regardless of the destination. I was so afraid of being hurt again or hurting someone I loved, of letting someone close and then loosing them. At this point I wasn’t so much afraid of God asking me to get married as I was of allowing myself to want it and then it not happening the way I thought it would. I was afraid I would let my guard down and fall in love with Chris but that instead of it being God’s way of fulfilling the need He had finally convinced me was there, that He would use it as a lesson in letting go and dealing with pain and finding Him in loss. I wasn’t sure I could handle another one of those just yet.
April 19th I had a long conversation with my parents. I expressed how I saw things, saw Chris, and couldn’t believe this was happening. I told them what I was afraid of. My mom did lots of laughing at me. My Dad didn’t give as much direction as I’d hoped for. “You’re in a good place. Just wait and see what Chris does.” Great, thanks.
I went for a long walk and spilled all my thoughts to God. I finally collapsed on a picnic table and waited for Him to answer. “As long as you and Chris continue to point each other to Me, don’t be afraid of it or where it might go.” That was all I got from Him, but it was enough. I knew my God was trust worthy and would never give me more pain than necessary. I know my relationship with Chris was good, and that whatever God did with it, He would only make it better. I thought I was ready for whatever came next, but when it actually happened, when I was actually sitting in that coffee shop having that conversation it was still so much harder than I thought it would be.
I sat there completely numb, still staring into the chai I had hardly touched. My mind was racing, begging God for clarity, for words, for something. I knew I needed to say something to Chris before the silence stretched any longer. He finally summarized. “Christy, nothing would make me happier than to be able to do all that I can to encourage you, to point you to God, and to make you happy.” He was asking me to let him be the support God had told me I needed.
I finally found words. “I think... I think I’m ok with that.”
Chris grinned.
“You sure?”
“Yes.”
I’m so very thankful I’ve had that man in my life for the last year. I’m so thankful I took the step of faith and said yes.
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