I say “Yes!”

I've wanted to post again for months now, but somehow the words have never come together. I'm not sure that I will have much more success tonight but I am going to try. Sometimes I just need to start writing in order for my thoughts to make any sense. Yet perhaps they don't need to make sense. I am recognizing some of the paradoxes of the Christian life these days… Some things don't make sense in the mind but bring life to the soul.

God is doing a refining it me. Sometimes when I'm lying in bed at night or sitting alone in a quiet house I wonder what the end product will look like, but most of the time I am too busy to ponder this at great length. I think I let living get in the way of Life. I want to change that. I want Life to come first.

God is asking something of me. He is asking me to take surrender to a new level. The problem is, I'm still not sure what He means by that. I have done a wonderful job of coming up with options, all of which would require a good deal of giving up all and walking by faith… yet somehow He remains quiet, simply asking if I'm willing to do it.

"What is 'it' Lord?" I plead, over and over, "I want to do it! Tell me what 'it' is!"

It could mean staying home the next couple years and simply working and praying, giving away all the money I own. I might feel that my life was useless. Would I do it?

It could mean giving up all my plans for July, all my trips to see my closest friends and them coming to see me, and going instead to some third world country to hold starving children and tell them of Jesus. Would I do it?

It could mean more than a summer missions trip. It could mean actually moving to Haiti or Uganda, choosing to live there the rest of my life and never seeing my family and friends again. It could mean living in poverty and simply doing all I could to bring life and heath and love to the hopeless and abandoned.

It could mean living here, working at CHESS, going to college, teaching elementary classes, leading a bible study, reaching out to girls with hurts in their lives, fellowshipping with friends, singing in choir, and loving my family. Could it really? Could that be "all" God asks of me? It could, and part of me thinks that would be even hard than the previous options. It would be so simple to slip back into living as nominal Christian, where God has most of me, but not quite all. It would be so easy to serve Him during the day yet claim my evenings and weekends as my own. It would be harder to stay here. But is that what He is asking of me?

It could mean giving up phone time and chat time and email time and visit time with my dear, Christ-like, edifying friends so that I may more closely focus on the call of God on my life. Ouch. Would I do it?

It could mean lots of things. I would like to think I would do any of them. I would like to think that I would respond "Yes, Lord!" no matter what He asked and follow obediently, and even excitedly, no mater how painful or drastic His request. I would like to think I would. But would I really?

I am currently being saturated with stories of great women of faith like Amy Carmichael, Gladys Alward, Jackie Pullenger, and many others who gave (or are giving) their lives daily for the cause of Christ. These are woman who chose to take up their crosses and follow their Master. I have heard of young men who sold themselves as slaves to share Jesus with slaves, knowing they would never return and declared "May the Lamb that was slain receive the reward of His suffering!"

"It is the life that has no time for trifling that counts" – Amy Carmichael

"I lack nothing. I have everything – everything I want in Christ. But that is not true for the world" – Jackie Pullenger

"Ask not how little, but how much can love give?" – Amy Carmichael

"The gospel always brings life to the receiver and death to the giver. If it killed Him to give life to us, and He invites us to do the same, why should we expect any less?" – Jackie Pullenger

"There is no gain except by loss, no life except by death" – Amy Carmichael

"If I covet any place on earth but the dust at the foot of the cross, then I know nothing of Calvary love" ~ Amy Carmichael

"Tell me in the light of the Cross, isn't it a scandal that you and I live as we do?" – Alan Redpath

It seems to me that the great Deceiver has utterly convinced us that we could never live as these men and women and needn't even try. But I believe we can, and more than that, we must. I read stories about girls younger than me such as Katie Davis, an average American girl who has become the mommy of 13 children in Uganda and I know God has created us for more. We owe Him no less. He bought our very lives with His blood – we are His to do with as He wills. Do we realize that? And do we live in light of this realization?

I choose to stand with Amy Carmichael and Katie Davis and Jackie Pullenger and say that my God can have all of me –all, truly all. He has all of me and can send me to Haiti or Hawaii, lead me through Heaven or Hell, keep me home, I will follow. I say this with confidence, not because I am confident of my own strength, but because He who has begun a good work in me will complete it. I am willing, and He will make me string. I give my life to be a living death and know that it will be the best life I could live. It's one of those paradoxes I mentioned. Isn't it beautiful? May Hell tremble and Heaven rejoice. I don't expect it to be glamorous, I just expect it to be Life. This is how I choose to live.

Heaven help me.

God show me what this means.

But I say yes.

Doomed to be Emotional?

Emotions - those things that girls struggle with. You know, those things that make them cry. Anger, despair, glee, sorrow, contentment, confusion, tiredness (does tiredness count as an emotion? It does in my book,) and, always, lots of tears.

For as long as I can remember, I have been tired. For as long as I can remember, becoming over tired meant an emotional melt down. I can count the number of times in my life that I have had a week where I felt well rested and well. I really do not like being emotional. I have a hard time saying the word without scorn creeping into my voice. It is always humbling to admit to others that my emotions have such a strong hold over me.

The last four days have been some of the most emotional I have ever experienced. (Did I mention how much I despise emotional days? I do.) The worst thing was, I really wasn’t sure why I was emotional. I knew something was terribly wrong, I just wasn’t sure what it was.
I felt that I would never be healthy; that I would never consistently have that feeling of well being that so many people in this world take for granted every day, and never have the energy to accomplish what I felt called to. I felt that I would never find a place where I could serve God without the extreme failure I had experienced multiple times before; I cared strongly about people, but could not seem to serve them as I longed… instead I always ended up alienating them and wondering if it would be better for me to just stay out of their lives all together. Worst of all, I felt that I was loosing my passion and joy. Loosing the driving force behind my optimism and dreams – faith and hope, faith that God would make something out of the tangled mess I was sobbing over seemingly every day, and hope that that time would come before too much longer. I didn’t doubt that He could… just that He actually would.
How did I get there? Strangely, I have no idea why these fierce emotions decided to crop up this last week. There have been plenty of times when explaining such emotions would not be difficult, but now? My life is wonderful. I am excited about the ministries I am a part of, the possibilities for the future, and the amazing friends God has placed in my life. Why did my happy little world of emotional stability have to fall apart right now?
I can put names on the emotions I was feeling. I was hurting for a friend and a brother who are struggling. I was struggling to open myself up to the possibility of beginning again the process of restoration in a relationship. But these are things I have dealt with countless times in the last five years.
I was reminded of a note my friend Lauren wrote about “stored up mourning.” She talked about how she was suddenly overwhelmed by emotions stemming from situations that had taken place quite a length of time before, but over which she had never properly mourned. That makes sense to me… but I have already mourned these very things over and over…. and over and over. Why are they still so fresh and painful? Why is it that any memory seems to bring back waves of emotions so strong that I stagger, and question if I have truly dealt with the issue before. Yet I know I have. I did last time this happened. And the time before that. And, yes, the time before that, too.
Why again? Why now? Am I to staunchly renounce my emotions and tell myself to believe the truth? The truth? What is the truth? Honestly, if one more person tells me that I need to just tell myself the truth I think I will strangle them. Coming from a Prophet, that is really saying something! I hate that I feel that way. But I do. Isn’t there more to cling to that “the truth”? I’m tired of that answer. It hasn’t helped me. I have been disillusioned and hurt… I don’t want any more truth. I just want God. How am I to find Him in this maze of emotion? How I abhor my ridiculous emotions!
Still, God met me tonight. I was lying on a dirt mount, wearing a coat I picked up from the drycleaner only this morning. He reminded me (not for the first time) that emotions are not always accurate reflections of circumstances. Just because I feel does not mean it is. He is still quietly directing and orchestrating my life, even while I grope for another tissue. All I can do is wait with patience. It will all be ok, He told me. It will all be ok.
What that means, I do not know.
Why I am so emotional, I do not know.
Oh! How I wish I did! And how I wish I had a cure for it! Did He make me like this? Or is it a character flaw I am supposed to overcome? How I wish I knew! Yet if I must go through times like this frequently, I am willing to do so. I still don't like it.
But it will all be ok.
Somehow.

This is a rather depressing note. I hesitate to even post it. But for some reason I am anyway. Take it with a grain of salt.
__________________________

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While I’m Waiting
I'm waiting
I'm waiting on You, Lord
And I am hopeful
I'm waiting on You, Lord
Though it is painful
But patiently, I will wait

I will move ahead, bold and confident
Taking every step in obedience
While I'm waiting
I will serve You
While I'm waiting
I will worship
While I'm waiting
I will not faint
I'll be running the race
Even while I wait

I'm waiting
I'm waiting on You, Lord
And I am peaceful
I'm waiting on You, Lord
Though it's not easy
But faithfully, I will wait
Yes, I will wait
I will serve You while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting
I will serve You while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting
I will serve you while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting on You, Lord


Did You Ever Need A Song
Did you ever need a song that's soft and low,
Mood indigo, just because
Did you ever need a sabbath space
To sit and face what no one does.
To take off your skin and start over again
Or to lay on your back and cry
The kind that comes to wash your soul,
Scrub you clean and make you whole
The kind that leaves you heavy sighin'

Did you ever need to take account
Of all you've found, what's true or not.
Did you ever need to bare your soul
To be truly know by a loving God
Oh to take off your skin and start over again
Oh to lay on your back and cry
Oh the kind that leaves you puffy eyed,
Weighted with strange peace in side,
The kind that leaves you heavy sighin'
Oh to take off your skin and start over again
Oh to lay on your back and cry
Oh the kind that comes to wash your soul,
Scrub you clean and leave you whole
The kind that leaves you heavy sighin'
Heavy sighin'

A friend visited me last week.


She has seen me at my worst and still loves me.


She encourages me, and has the ability to point out my blind spots, like no one else.


She brings out the little girl in me.


And the passionate world changer.


We did a lot in the nine days she was here.
We walked across pipes.


We hung out with my little brothers.


We laughed a lot.


We did crazy stuff I'd never done before.


We discussed deep theological issues with our brothers.


We treated each other like sisters.


She got along great with my friends.


She brightened each day with her cuteness.


She is my hug from God, my sister, my fellow world changer, my friend.

I miss her.
I hope she comes back soon.

Women In Leadership

Leadership is defined as the ability to affect human behavior so as to accomplish a mission. It is influencing a group of people to move towards its goal or achievement. Leadership is a powerful tool that can be used for immense good or evil. It is valuable to understand the proper place of leadership as designed by God.

There is a position of leadership held by all believers, women as much as men. We are the called out ones, ordained by God to set the example for the world, the bearers of the image of God. This concept indicates a leadership role that no one can say is to be carried only by men. All believers are given the Holy Spirit, (2 Corinthians 1:21-22,) are joint heirs with Christ (Romans 8:17,) are God's coworkers (2 Corinthians 6:1,) are ministers of reconciliation (2 Corinthians 5:17-20,) and are seated with Christ in the heavenly realms (Ephesians 2:6.)

Scripture gives clear direction on various positions that are not appropriate for women. I Corinthians 14:34 says, “Let your women keep silence in the churches: for it is not permitted unto them to speak; but they are commanded to be under obedience as also saith the law.” I Timothy 2:12 says, “But I suffer not a woman to teach, nor to usurp authority over the man, but to be in silence.” Clearly there are times and places where women are not to exercise a position of leadership. God has made evident that He desires women to be under the protection and authority of men.

Authority and leadership are not synonymous. It is not always necessary for a leader to have authority; often the leadership of the influencer is more effective than that of the authority. In my opinion, women thrive best when they exercise leadership under a higher authority, a support role, not in the highest position of authority. This gives them protection and direction, but also allows them to exercise their unique talents. While men are the head of the home, the wives and mothers are the ones to set the mood. Submission to authority gives women freedom to flourish in the leadership positions delegated to them.

For a godly woman to lead by their lifestyle is non-optional. Micah 6:8 clearly states what God desires of all His children: to act justly, to love mercy, and to walk humbly with the Lord. What better leader could be found than one, man or woman, who follows these commands? I believe that deference must be exercised in considering the question of women in leadership. Authority and appropriateness will play a large part in determining when and where a woman should lead. The Holy Spirit has been given for the express purpose of leading us, as believers, into all truth and I am confident that He will offer specific guidance in this issue.

Musings on Leadership

I've been doing a large amount of thinking (and writing, incidentally) on this topic of late. Being a team leader at our ice cream shop, being the responsible party at home, and having to write an essay on the topic has prompted many new thoughts. I'll share just a few of them tonight. I'd love any feedback!

"Once accepted, leadership is not something I can take on and off as a coat. I find I hold, hidden in some corner of my being, a strong belief that I am entitled to breaks. It seems unfair that once I have accepted, or possibly been forced into, a position of leadership I must bear it the rest of my life. However, a beautiful truth comes into play as I contemplate this struggle. I often see the grace of God as only needed at certain times of life, in specific circumstances. As I recognize my huge responsibility to always live in a manner worthy of imitation, I catch a glimpse of the true sufficiency of God’s grace – not only for certain moments but for every moment. This is a much larger scale than I ever imagined.

In The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe by C.S. Lewis, the great lion Aslan explains to the four newly crowned rulers the solemnity of their position. He says, “Once a king or queen in Narnia, always a king or queen. Bear it well, Sons of Adam! Bear it well, daughters of Eve!”

In Spiritual Disciplines for the Christian Life Donald S. Whitney states that “Discipline without direction is drudgery.” So I ask myself, “Why am I a leader? What do I want to encourage others to follow?” I can think of no better goal than Christ likeness. I long to be able to say with Paul “Be followers of me as I am of Christ” (I Corinthians 11:1.)
Leadership is an incredible responsibility, yet also an enormous privilege. As a called out and set apart daughter of God I cannot escape it. May I bear it well, as Christ is my strength."

Penguins, Boys, and Other Happy Things from My Life

In honor of the graduate


Skittles from Grace


My desk


My monkey


A rediculously funny picture


Friends on a sunny day


What everyone calls "The shovel picture"


Prospectors



I still can't look at this one without laughing. My guys are the greatest.

You're Bigger!

Have you ever gone back to a place that was special to you when you were younger, and which you had not visited for many years? Did it seem the same to you? Or did you find it smaller? Less magical? So often that is the way it is. After we grow up and return to a special childhood place we see it differently. We are bigger, thus it seem smaller. We are more knowledgeable, thus it does not seem as incredible.

It is not so with our God. As we grow and learn more of the world He does not seem smaller, weaker, or less magical. C. S. Lewis says it like this in Prince Caspian:
"Welcome, child," he said.
"Aslan," said Lucy, "you're bigger."
"That is because you are older, little one," answered he.
"Not because you are?"
"I am not. But every year you grow, you will find me bigger."

Is that not a thrilling thought? Instead of our God seeming smaller and less magical as we grow, He grows as well. Not because He is changing, but because we understand more of Him.