"And You Mourn"

I replay the words over and over in my mind. “You wait, and ask God how to love them,” she said, “and you mourn.”

A friend came over for lunch today. My mom, brother and I all sat around the table with her and talked. We talked as we have not in a very long time. We talked about dancing, about God’s will and planning our lives, about asking questions and about faith.

Somewhere in the middle of it all, as we were jumping from subject to subject, I asked a question. “How do we love God? How do we accept His love through people without becoming too attached to the people themselves?” These are questions I have asked with tears at many points in my life. They have many names attached to them. The answers seem just as illusive as ever. How attached am I supposed to be to people? Why is it that I love people so much but they don’t seem to want to be around me? How can it be that a close friendship so quickly dissipates and suddenly we find nothing to talk about? Why do I still care so much? Why does it hurt so much? Little by little I have learned to not be so devastated by these losses, but I still ask the questions, and yes, I ask in tears.

Today I was confronted by puzzled looks and cocked heads. “What is wrong,” I was asked, “with becoming attached to people? God shows us His love through them, and we show our love for Him through them as well.” I paused in confusion. Long ago God shattered the belief that I wasn’t supposed to depend on people because I only needed Him. He showed me that He uses people to give Himself to me. Still, was I not supposed to detach myself from the channel, and only cling to the One who was pouring Himself through them? Today I was given a different picture. I was told that we are to love the people God places in our lifes, and that love is never without attachment. Hmm.

Then we moved on, talking about what we should question and the right and wrong ways to question. We finally cleaned up lunch and my friend went home. But my mind was still back on the subject of loving people. “Mom, did you mean that it is impossible to become too attached to people?” She paused, “Well, I lean heavily toward that. Of course, it is wrong to smother them, or to be so wrapped up in them that you exclude the other people in your life. But I do not believe we can love people too much.” The tears gathered in my eyes as I asked, “Then what are we supposed to do when the people we love push us away or do not have time for us, or no longer seem to need or want us?”

“You wait, and ask God how to love them, and you mourn.”

As I turned away to hide the tears flowing down my face I pondered that thought. Was it ok after all that I cared so deeply? Was it truly right for me to delight in the friends God has given me and to desire for them to delight in me as well? Was this not an expression of attachment to the “things of the world” as I had feared, but rather an expression of loving and being loved by God?

It is good to love. And it is ok to mourn! It is good to mourn. This rings true in my spirit, but my heart still aches and wishes for an easier answer. And so it often is. Yet, what freedom!

“No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us.” 1 John 4:12

A Little Sunshine

As I sit here, feet in the dirt, back to a tree, sun on my face, I cannot help but feel that I am loved and that the life stretched before me will be a beautiful adventure. Yes, God is good, for how could He be otherwise and have planned for me such a satisfying moment in time?

It’s amazing the difference a little sunshine can make.

Look Up

Lord, I am missing You today! It seems like You have been this ever present thought at the back of my mind, over my shoulder, an expectancy toward ‘later.’ Not always conscious, but always present. It’s kind of like You are waiting silently for me to take a moment and look up and see You smiling at me. Maybe You’ll invite me out for coffee. But I go on, too busy, tired, or distracted to actually look up. Sure, I know You are there, and will often address a comment or question to you…

But oh! If I would only look up!

May Haman Rot

Welcome to the Feast of Purim!
Please come on in and have a seat.



Thursday night we celebrated the courage of Queen Esther and God's protection of His people. We dressed up, served Jewish food and even sang a song in Hebrew.

Did you know that Pur means 'the lot' and refers to the lot that Haman cast to determine when he could annihilate the Jews? Did you also know that during the reading of the Book of Esther, each time Mordicai is mentioned everyone cheers, but any time Haman is mentioned everyone is supposed to boo and hiss?



As I reviewed this remarkable story I was struck by the supernatural intervention that is evident in every aspect, even though God's name is never mentioned in the book. I see Him in the little things:

• Accidental eavesdropping that lead the discovery of a murderous plot
• A sleepless night
• Reading from a random part of a random chronicle
  
• Seeking advice from whomever happened to be in the outer court

These 'little things' have the handwriting of God all over them.




The purpose of this dinner was for the teens to interact with the seniors of the church. Each teen was assigned to wait on a table. Because I am no longer in the youth group I got a special table.


Dessert: Haman's Ears or Hat or something... it tasted good anyway.
















Then there was the clean up... Men in dresses doing dishes. I'm sure I'll never see it again. But that is one thing I love about our youth group - everyone is a good sport, does what needs to be done, and has a blast in the process. May God continue give our teens a heart of service... even if it includes dressing up and doing dishes.

“Roads are for journeys, not destinations.”

My life stretched before me, full of possibility, full of impossible situations where God would show up and wow the world. I was sure of it. I lived in confidence that my God would do what He said He would do. He would be glorified. He would complete the work He had begun in me. He would show Himself strong. He would show the nations that He was God and they were but men.

Then something unfathomable happened. God did not come through for me. I came up against a situation I was unable to deal with and God did not answer my cry for help. I knew it couldn’t be His fault – He is God after all. But I didn’t know where I had failed. It happened again and again. Thus began over four years laced with confusion, questioning, desperation, and hopelessness.

Today, as I look back over my journals, I see an incredible journey unfolding. My helpless frustration resulted because I was looking for the end result too soon. I could not see where my road was heading. I felt I was floundering helplessly. But I was wrong. My goal should not be to live a perfect Christian life, but rather to know my God and delight in Him. This gives me a whole new perspective on the road I travel. I am no longer trying to get somewhere as quickly as possible. (Not that I was ever sure exactly where I should be going, and this was a huge frustration.) God is teaching me to wait on His timing. Roads are for journeys, not destinations.

This journey is a peculiar one. I am beginning to see just how little the outcome depends on me. I am seeking to know God and I find it to be the easiest and the most difficult pursuit in the world, for I am discovering that God is not waiting on me to figure Him out but rather that Scripture states I am to wait on Him. The more I find myself to be nothing the more I stand it awe at all He is. The idea that I can, by some great assertion of my will, discover God or live in a manner that pleases Him is truly laughable.

I still often find myself shrouded in confusion. Many times I cannot see God in the situations around me. I cannot fathom how He can be willing or allowing the pain of His children and the triumph of evil. In these moments I cling to the faith that He has been strengthening so beautifully. If He has always been good before, will He not continue? He promises that His ways and thoughts are not only different from mine, but higher.

I am reminded of Elizabeth Elliot’s book “These Strange Ashes” where she tells the story of her first difficult year as a missionary. At the end of the year she looked back on four huge losses and next to no apparent gain. Yet looking back she says this,

“Each separate experience of individual stripping we may learn to accept as a fragment of the suffering Christ bore when He took it all. “Surely he hath borne our griefs and carried our sorrows.” This grief, this sorrow, this total loss that empties my hands and breaks my heart, I may, if I will, accept, and by accepting it, I find in my hands something to offer. And so I give it back to Him, who in mysterious exchange gives Himself to me.”

“And so it often is. Faith, prayer and obedience are our requirements. We are not offered in exchange immunity and exemption from the world’s woes. What we are offered has to do with another world altogether.”

We are not of this world. Yet how quickly we become consumed with it and how painful we find the loss of its joys. If we would only turn our eyes to Jesus and look full in His wonderful face we would find a perspective altogether different from the one we know and, may I say, far superior because it is the perspective of the One who can see all of eternity in a single moment.

So I walk on, hand in hand with the King of the universe, no longer straining my eyes for a glimpse of my destination but relishing the journey. My God, Jehovah, has most beautifully lead me. Will He not continue to do so?

“Roads are for journeys, not destinations.”

It makes me happy.