Treasured Reverence

Moving my blog

2011-04-22T08:42:00.001-06:00

Hello blog followers! (I assume there are still a few of you out there anyway!)
I am moving my blog to a new location.

You can find it here!

www.chrisnchristy.com

Is This Really Happening?

2011-04-20T11:38:00.000-06:00

A year ago this evening I was sitting in a coffee shop staring intently into my cup and saying absolutely nothing to the poor nervous man next to me. I was processing at such a deep level. Could this really be happening? To me?

A month ago I shared the story of that day a year ago and all that God was doing in me then. The subsequent days did not get any easier to handle. On Easter Sunday my wonderful and insightful brother Jonathan reminded me that as a woman God had created me with amazing abilities and talents but that I needed a strong support structure to be able to function at the full capacity God intended for me. He said he wouldn’t always be able to fill that role for me and I’d have to find someone else.

My struggle to define and accept my friendship with Chris was only accentuated by the judgemental spirit and snide comments of others. I almost dropped Chris all together a couple times simply because I didn’t want to loose standing friendships and trust over a guy who I wasn’t sure I wanted in my life in the first place. But God wouldn’t let me, and I knew He was using Chris for something bigger.

This guy was so good for me. Anyone who knew me well could see it. He knew how to make me hear truth, he knew how to make me happy. He was so much fun and I loved spending time with him. I loved how I always felt like I had seen God after I’d been around Him.

The whole time God was asking me to trust Him more deeply, to completely relinquish my grip on my plans for my life and let Him lead regardless of the destination. I was so afraid of being hurt again or hurting someone I loved, of letting someone close and then loosing them. At this point I wasn’t so much afraid of God asking me to get married as I was of allowing myself to want it and then it not happening the way I thought it would. I was afraid I would let my guard down and fall in love with Chris but that instead of it being God’s way of fulfilling the need He had finally convinced me was there, that He would use it as a lesson in letting go and dealing with pain and finding Him in loss. I wasn’t sure I could handle another one of those just yet.

April 19th I had a long conversation with my parents. I expressed how I saw things, saw Chris, and couldn’t believe this was happening. I told them what I was afraid of. My mom did lots of laughing at me. My Dad didn’t give as much direction as I’d hoped for. “You’re in a good place. Just wait and see what Chris does.” Great, thanks.

I went for a long walk and spilled all my thoughts to God. I finally collapsed on a picnic table and waited for Him to answer. “As long as you and Chris continue to point each other to Me, don’t be afraid of it or where it might go.” That was all I got from Him, but it was enough. I knew my God was trust worthy and would never give me more pain than necessary. I know my relationship with Chris was good, and that whatever God did with it, He would only make it better. I thought I was ready for whatever came next, but when it actually happened, when I was actually sitting in that coffee shop having that conversation it was still so much harder than I thought it would be.

I sat there completely numb, still staring into the chai I had hardly touched. My mind was racing, begging God for clarity, for words, for something. I knew I needed to say something to Chris before the silence stretched any longer. He finally summarized. “Christy, nothing would make me happier than to be able to do all that I can to encourage you, to point you to God, and to make you happy.” He was asking me to let him be the support God had told me I needed.
I finally found words. “I think... I think I’m ok with that.”
Chris grinned.
“You sure?”
“Yes.”

I’m so very thankful I’ve had that man in my life for the last year. I’m so thankful I took the step of faith and said yes.

What Do You Fear, My Lady?

2011-03-22T18:34:00.001-06:00

A year ago this evening I was terribly angry at a man named Chris Ong who had the audacity to suggest, quite innocently I'm sure, that I might need a man in my life. I very rarely get angry at my friends, but he had broached a dangerous subject. I was having a hard enough time with the fact that he was my friend, and was also a guy. I didn't have a problem with guy friends in general, but this one somehow seemed dangerous.He was getting too close.

I had gone through my stage of wanting a guy in my life, wanting love, wanting the white picket fence, but I was over it. I honestly didn't want to get married. I was so happy with my life as it was, and so satisfied with my wonderful close friends, my brother, my family, and I didn't want any of it to change. I also had dreams, grand dreams where God and I went out into the world all on our own and made a difference. I wanted to help orphans, lead girls retreats, counsel, minister, and be free to do all these things as much and as often as I wanted. Marriage, frankly, would get in the way. Marriage was accepting mediocrity, accepting normalcy, accepting the typical American lifestyle - raise a family, make meals, kiss the husband when he gets home from work, go to church twice a week, trying to be "good Christians" in a temporal world. I wanted to be as far from that life as possible. I wanted anything BUT normal. I wanted to see and know God in unheard of ways. And I wanted it it be just Him and me. I wasn't gonna share Him with anyone. He was my Love and I didn't need anything else.

I also seriously didn't think any man could handle my intensity and emotions.There was no way one person would want to have to deal with all that the rest of their life. I totally wore myself out, and I didn't want to do that to someone I loved. I dumped a bit on people I really trusted, my brother Jonathan got a lot of it, but never completely, never all the way. I was sure the only one who could take the "real me" with out running in terror was God.

Around the end of 2009 God began to challenge some of my thinking in these areas. I remember clearly when I felt Him asking me if I would trust Him enough to let Him have me get married. Not that it was gonna happen, just if I'd be ok with it. It took me a week to be able to say that I would still trust Him. I slowly realized that I was limiting God by holding such rigid views of a fulfilled life and of what He could do through people. He began to ask me to let Him show me that He was bigger.

Around this same time I was getting to know Chris better, and it amazed me how often our conversations would inadvertently end up on the same topics God was talking to me about. We had such good conversations about everything from abiding in Christ, asking God for big things, sibling relationships, and the character of God, to personal fears and dreams. One night in right before Christmas we had this conversation:
Chris: So what do you fear most?

“'What do you fear my lady?'
'A cage. To stay behind bars until use and old age accept them and all chance of valor has gone beyond beyond recall or desire.'”

me: I resemble that quote. :)

I think...I think I fear loosing hope. I fear mediocrity and complacency.

Chris: I don't think i know you extremely well. But if I had to gamble.

I think you are scared you will be called to stay here and not be able to go to africa

where all chance of doing what you deem is valor for the glory of God is

me: I just want to see God and know He's at work in and through me.

Here, or there.

The thing I truly fear the most is NOT having God.

Chris: God isn't only over in africa Christy

me: but He seems easier to find there and I'm not sure if it's supposed to be that way... or if it's just my fear that keeps me from finding him here

Chris: That is a great fear to have. However the way you are talking I think you currently fear something is in your life right now that is preventing you from finding him

if thats the case

africa is not gonna help

me: yeah.

Chris: So what you need to settle is.

The fact a housewife can be just as dynamic and powerful and know God and have as close a relationship

as Amy Carmichael

me: I know.

Chris: So then is it really marriage you are currently fearing?

me: Um....

I don't think so.

I just want to know and be used of God. Where ever, how ever.

Really.

I'm just...

Not sure what that looks like and wish He'd tell me.Chris: normally I am not the blunt one but I think He is trying

I was frustrated with how often God chose to speak to me through Chris but couldn't deny that it was Him talking. The "cage" quote from The Lord of the Rings quickly became a theme with me, and God slowly convinced me that the cage I feared was of my own making and that as long as I followed Him He would never put me in a cage. Therefore whatever He asked of me, even marriage, could not possibly be a cage. I repeated this to myself over and over and over... and over and over. I know it sounds silly that this was so hard for me, but I had built a picture of Christ-likeness for myself, and was quite convinced it was the real thing. It took time to wipe away the lies and let God recreate the picture His way.

On that night a year ago, as I was talking through the confusion that was surfacing as God redefined His will for me, Chris got especially bold (I didn't find out til much later how it was that he seemed to know the secrets of my heart and the exact thoughts I needed to hear.)

me: Oh, that was something else Mrs. Spray said when I was talking about Africa and Haiti.

She looked right at me, after we'd been talking for about 10 minutes, and said "Hun, I don't think you could handle that yet. It would be too much for you to carry."

(or something to that effect.)

Chris: wow.

me: I almost got mad, and almost started crying.... because I think God was nodding vehemently

Chris: your gonna hate me for what I am gonna say next.

me: can't be worse than some of the things you've said before. ;)Chris: Could be you will never have the strength alone but will need the help of another person to help share the burdens you want to carry and help with.

me: MY WORD!! What is it with you telling me I should get married?!

AHHH.

Chris: Sorry. I was so mad I wished he was actually in front of me so I could physically get up and walk away. He felt terrible, and the next time I saw him he brought me my favorite movie, bubble wrap, and bought me coffee to try and make up for it. I don't think he had any idea how much God was using his words despite my reaction.

I don't think either of us had any idea that exactly a year later would would have just celebrated our 7 month wedding anniversary.

Just a Cup of Water

2011-03-18T09:16:00.002-06:00

"And whoever gives one of these little ones even a cup of water because he is a disciple, truly, I say to you, he will by no means lose his reward." Matthew 10:42

And the King will answer them, 'Truly, I say to you, as you did it to one of the least of these my brothers, you did it to me.' Matthew 25:40

A couple years ago I was wandering a large campus in hot and humid Texas during a homeschool conference. The year before I had been right hand man (figuratively, of course, since I'm not a man) to the head of hospitality during this same conference and had never had a moment to rest as I was constantly involved in getting something for this or that speaker, overseeing the girls cleaning, making a request on my walkie, checking people in the meal line, and hauling this basket of goodies or that special request to the other side of campus.
This year was different. I was still on staff but with no special position, and no great avenue to help important people. I cleaned some bathrooms, stalked some dorms, moved lots of towels, and generally just had to search for little ways to make a difference.
Honestly, I was frustrated, and as I walked around that day I asked God why in the world I was there. I was giving up precious time with my family, was in the middle of an advanced study course and had an assignment over due, and didn't seem to have much to show for it. I wondered if I was wasting my time.
God didn't say anything, but I looked up and saw a girl coming toward me with a camera around her neck. Her name was Julie and we had been roommates the first few days I was there until the conference started and she joined the photography class.
"How's it going?" I asked.
"Ug. The instructors are pretty hard on us. I'm hot, so tired, and really thirsty." She looked ready to cry.
I looked down at the water bottle I had just grabbed and back at her.
"Uh, here. I just picked this up. Haven't even opened it."
She accepted it gratefully and walked away.
That was it.
But then God said something.
"If just a cup of water I place in your hands, then just a cup of water is all that I demand."
Sometimes He asks us to give up our lives, our comfort, our finances, our dreams, our time...
And sometimes He just asks for a cup of water.
Great or small, He sees it as precious.
If I had failed my course just so that I could be there to give Julie a cup of water, I think it would have been worth it.

Change

2011-03-15T08:54:00.001-06:00

Well, how life changes!
Since my last post in March I started a relationship with a wonderful man, spent wonderful, whirlwind months packed with mountain wanderings, Denver days, day trips to the Springs, kite flying, airport days, MN visits, road trips home, afternoons at Loodles, lots of skittles, morning coffee dates, evening walks, tree house talks, weekly Dazbog dates, long talks, texts, lots of laughter and a few tears; I became engaged on my birthday, complete with a blue Mini Cooper, skittles, beautiful mountains and a bridge; I planned a wedding, took a road trip with girl friends, enjoyed a crazy month of lasts, family support and wild emotions; I got married, had a lovely honeymoon in Steamboat, settled in to a little basement apartment in Greeley, started working at Loodles and was laid off 4 months later, taught a semester and a half of a Names of God class at CHESS, sadly neglected my friends, spent some wonderful time under Eric's preaching at Ellerslie, loved my husband more each day, prayed a lot and enjoyed every day.
I have been married over six months now and am amazed at how different my life looks now, how much change I have dealt with. Change is beautiful, hard, but beautiful.

Why Me?

2010-03-04T20:09:00.006-07:00

"For the kingdom of heaven will be like a man going on a journey, who called his servants and entrusted to them his property. To one he gave five talents, to another two, to another one, to each according to his ability. Then he went away." Matthew 25:14-15

A few months ago I was telling a friend about my relationship frustrations with a family member. I wanted the relationship to be more than it was but I was mostly frustrated because I didn't think I had a right to want that. Honestly, I think I have a perfect family. The more I see of other families the more this belief is confirmed. I have some friends who have some pretty awesome families, but mine is still better. We communicate, we laugh together, we don't fight, we are comfortable around each other, and being an adult living at home is actually a pretty great thing in my house. I adore my family. Yet we're not entirely perfect, and on this particular evening I was expressing to my friend the things I'd like to see change, but how ridiculous I felt for it. God said something pretty incredible through her that night. "Christy, remember the parable Jesus told about the man who gave his servants different numbers of talents? You have been given so much, but that does not give you a right to bury what you have in the earth because you have more than other people. Your responsibility to God is to multiply what you have been given. Make the most of it. Make it all it can be." It is the way of the Kingdom.

Sometimes I feel guilty for having so much. Sometimes I feel like I have everything the people I love want. I hate it. It's not fair. I have asked God so many times to give them the next happy thing, instead of me - I have plenty. Yet He continues to heap blessings on me, and so many people I know continue to be disappointed. The other night when I was crying over one such situation I was reminded of the parable of the talents and God told me that I had no right whatsoever to waste what I was given because I wanted someone else to have it. Later God brought to mind the end of Hebrews 11.

And all these, having gained approval through their faith, did not receive what was promised, because God had provided something better for us, so that apart from us they would not be made perfect. Hebrews 11:39-40

The application God implied was different from how I have ever looked at those verses before. In a sense, if I live my life to the fullest, relishing the blessings of God and walking in triumphant victory, then I am validating the faith of the people who believe in God's abundant blessings but are not currently seeing them in their own lives. My life can give them reason to keep hoping. It's humbling to think that I have that kind of role.

"Everyone to whom much was given, of him much will be required, and from him to whom they entrusted much, they will demand the more." Luke 12:48

I am, and I am becoming

2010-02-25T19:53:00.003-07:00

I am one with God.

Yes, it's true, but sometimes I find this hard to believe.

Jesus came to earth and took the penalty for the sins of man kind, not so that we could live forever in mansions connected by streets of gold, but so that we could have a relationship with God. Not just any relationship, but a covenant relationship. When God made a covenant with Abram He change Abrams name, adding part of His own. When God became Immanuel and lived among men, He took on our identity. He was called the Son of Man. He took our sin as His own, and gave us His righteousness and position before God as our own. The book of John is full of such references. Jesus states "I and my Father are one." And then says "that they may be one, even as You, Father, are in Me and I in You, that they may be in Us… I in them, and You in me, that they may be perfected in unity."

Scripture says that I stand in the righteousness of Christ, that in Him I have been made complete, that I am joint heir with Christ in the inheritance of the kingdom, that I am indwelled with the very Spirit of God, that I am currently sitting in heavenly places with Christ.

I believe all these things to be true. You see, God is not bound by time. He created it, and exists outside of it. All of eternity is "now" to Him, in a sense. He sees me, in what is "now" for me, as I simply "am" in His eyes – eternally perfect.

God's opinion is the only one that really matters, right? Well He says I'm perfect. He says I'm complete. He says I'm one with Him. He says I cannot ever lose His love.

This presents a dilemma. You see, I do not always live as if I am perfect. I do not live as if I am one with a holy God.

As I see it, I could respond to this dilemma in three different ways. I could say that it doesn't matter how I live because I am positionaly sanctified before God already, I could throw up my hands in resignation and say that no one is perfect so all I can do is my best, or I could believe that what I am in God's eyes is what I some day will be, and is something I can become this side of death. I choose the third response. I believe it is possible to attain at least some level of perfection even while I am tied to a carnal body. Why? Because perfection is not defined as a certain way of living, a certain set of beliefs or actions, a list of dos and don'ts. Becoming perfect is becoming the same as God, which is accomplished by knowing and abiding in Christ. It is walking in the Spirit. It is conforming to His image. This is something I can do right now. And the more I know Him, the more I will be like Him, and as a result, less sinful and like the world and it's ruler. To put it bluntly, I believe that as I know God better I will stop sinning.

I am one with God, yet I am also becoming one with Him.

There are times when I feel like I just might be getting there. There are times when I feel the unity of my self and my God to such a degree that mt every action and every word seems sacred. I can feel the very Spirit of God flowing out of me. I think His thoughts, I respond to His promptings. I love days like that.

Then there are other days. Days when I seem to come out of a stupor and am shocked by the selfish, sinful choices I have made… only to turn around and make them again. On these days I beg God for His strength to get out of the muck I feel stuck in, yet He is strangely silent. Mutely declaring that I already have the answer I am looking for.

I think I'm starting to understand. Sometimes, when I feel that I am quite in tune with the voice of God and am getting quite close to that state of perfection I am desiring, a little voice whispers in my ear, "Don't you know that you are one with God? Don't you know that your thoughts are His thoughts and your desires His desires? That means you can do whatever you want and it will be right." And sometimes I believe that little voice. Sometimes I start making little, selfish choices, and the next thing I know I'm having "one of those days" when I cannot seem to shake myself from the clutches of my own selfishness.

Here is why it is so easy for me to believe that little voice. Scripture says that if we walk in the Spirit we are not under the law. It says that Christ abolished the law and has given us freedom. Conservative churches have shied away from passages like these because of the very results I have found in my own life, but truth misapplied is no less truth. Truth must be approached through the eyes of it's Author. Galatians 5 says, "For you were called to freedom, brethren. Only do not turn your freedom into an opportunity for the flesh, but through love serve one another… But this I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not carry out the desires of the flesh."

So this lesson, like most of the others God has taught me in the last 3 years, comes back to abiding. If I am walking continuously in the Spirit, filled with the truth of God, in constant communion with Christ, and consistently wary of the voice of the enemy of my soul - or that of my own flesh - speaking things that sound like truth, if I live in God I will not sin, because I will become like Him.

So I am learning that I exist in two states at the same time. I am, and I am also becoming. And someday, when my eternal spirit is set free from my time bound body the two states of being will finally unite and I will simply be, before my God and also in Him.

Not going to Haiti [Journal Entry 1-21-10]

2010-02-14T15:17:00.002-07:00

This morning people ask “How are you?” and I want to respond, “Not going to Haiti.” I feel like it’s my state of being today.
I feel like I’ve lost something I never even had. Experiences, memories, faith, faces, touches of children, a focused heart. I am in mourning today over the loss.
I know it was the right choice.
I know You will hold the orphans in Haiti.
I know You will use someone else as your hands and feet and heart there.
I know You have something else for me.
I know I am needed here.
I know this doesn’t mean I cannot go later.
Yet…. I cannot see the word “Haiti”, cannot hear of other people’s plans to go, cannot see Annie’s updates, without a sob rising up in me. I rejoice with those who can go, can serve, can wrap Haiti up in their arms. I want to pray, I want to help. Yet today I can only seem to cry, and hold to a shaky trust, and try to go on with life here.

Oh God... meet their needs. Hold their hearts. Flood them with Your love. Send out Your light and truth.
And.. show me Your plan for me, now.
I want to go. But I want Your will.

I’m Gonna Miss Her

2010-01-26T10:02:00.006-07:00

[I wrote this on the 12th, but wasn't able to post it until now]

My Grace is leaving for Africa in a week.

That sentence makes me want to cry. Cry for joy. Cry for loss. Cry for excitement. Cry for longing.

Grace is my sister. She comes in with out knocking. She eats my food and steals my favorite chair.

She tells me when she's hurting and lets me cry with her. She prays with me when I'm hurting.

She reminds me of Truth even when I don't want to hear it.

She infects me with her trust and excitement, reminding me that our God is powerfully at work in our word.

I've seen her come to know God in incredible ways in the last year.

And now she is going to hold orphans and feed the hungry and serve "the least of these". And I'm glad. So glad.

But yes, I'm gonna miss her.

Tonight

2009-12-18T21:55:00.008-07:00

Tonight I am...
   Enjoying being alone
   Hoping I don't get the stomach flu that is going through my family
   Resting
   Drinking dark chocolate cocoa with chocolate caramel creamer out of a Christmas mug
   Snuggling up in my hoodie with a fuzzy blue blanket
   Planning for Christmas
   Listening to the wind sneak in my window
   Thinking about life, my life in particular
   Asking God questions
Questions about my life and my future - Distant and near. Tangible and abstract. Plausible... and preposterously grand.

God seems quiet tonight, slightly contemplative as well. At any rate, He doesn't seem inclined to tell secrets about the future. So I am left to wonder. I still question.

I had this odd mental picture earlier of my choices laid out in three columns on a page. The first column is titled "What I would like to do this semester" the second, "What seems like the reasonable choice/what others want me to do this semester" and the third, "What God wants me to do this semester."

The first is filled out something like this: Simplify. Keep my room clean and keep up with laundry. Help Mom around the house. Sleep. Be available for coffee with friends. Babysit for some stresses mothers. Name a day of the week and Date With God Day and never compromise that. Spend time in prayer. Blog. Catch up on my book list. Write letters. Go for walks. Breathe. Rest. Be. NOT do college. NOT be busy. NOT have emotional and physical break downs because of stress.

The second looks like this: Work at CHESS. Teach two classes on Wednesdays. Figure out what college credit I have, what I need, and take whatever classes I can to help me finish my degree as soon as possible. (Aka - be stressed, cry a lot, and never get enough sleep.)

The third column looks like this:

Maybe I'm lazy. Maybe busyness and stress are just a part of life. It's how everyone lives, right?
Maybe I'm afraid. Afraid of stress. Afraid of failure. Afraid of missing Life in the busyness.

Yet there is something in me that recoils at the thought of doing what is expected of me, of doing what everyone else does. I want to be different. To go against the flow. To be willing to do eccentric and nonsensical things for God. I want to be like Able, and Noah, and Moses, and Abraham, and Esther, and Ruth, and David, and Benaiah, and Gidion, and Zaccheaus. I want to do what is out of the ordinary- what is extraordinary. I'm afraid of being normal, nominal, mediocre. Still, even these great heros of faith weren't always different, it wasn't that everything they did was shocking and abnormal. They simply knew when to break the mold and follow a different path. How did they know?

Really, I just want to hear from God. If He's talking, I can't hear Him. Sometimes I wish He'd speak up.
But really, really, I know that all I can do is wait, and trust that God will give me answers in His timing. In all honesty that is all I can do, no matter how much I pretend I can do more.

So tonight I will wait, and rest, and anticipate... and ask questions. Who knows, maybe He'll get in a talkative mood if I sit here long enough.

Thankfulness

2009-09-06T22:09:00.002-06:00

This Life we are called to live, it is good.

This God we know and serve, He is good.

I swivel my chair from side to side - thinking. I find it hard to believe that one girl could be so, so blessed. My heart is crying just thinking about it, and I am thankful. My God loves me.

August was a phenomenal month. God tore me open in so many ways, and then turned around and healed me. He spoke truth and direction and encouragement. I am recognizing again the value of hard times. The beauty in brokenness. The unspeakable joy in pain. The peace of God in confusion. It is such a perfect place to be. As I have talked to friends who have been going through hard things themselves I see it in them too. It is exciting. God is at work and that usually means ripping away masks, pulling down walls, and thrusting outside of comfort zones… but it is so exciting!

I have been thinking lately about the exceptional group of friends I have. I have talked to quite a few people recently who have a "good group of friends" but nothing like the encouraging group of girls I have who make me smile and laugh so easily, are the first to call me on an error, will not let me believe for a moment that it's ok to give up or live a mediocre life, point me to God with every breath, love me no matter what, and love God so much more.

My family is amazing. I know people say that about their families all the time, but I've been realizing it afresh about mine. My parents are so balanced and trusting and fun and wise. They let me live my life, but want to be a part of it. They are great fun to have discussions with about deep topics. They let me make my own choices but are always there to offer advice. They treat me as if they enjoy being around me. My brothers are pretty amazing too. Jon is the one I can always be real with and will never freak out. He intuitively knows when I'm having a bad day. He balances my impetuous and passionate ideas and always makes me feel loved. Ben makes me laugh. He has deep thoughts to share and is passionate about important things. He loves to have fun and we plan to buy guns and learn to dance together amidst our crazy school schedules. The little guys are just a blast to hang out with and will not be "the little guys" much longer.

I sit here and bask in the joy and amazement of my blessings. It's such a warm feeling. But I don't want to just sit here. I want to use it. "To whom much is given much more shall be required." I have a dream. I have a vision. I have something worth working toward. Something I feel God has called me to. I want to use what I have been given to pour the love and power of Jesus Christ into the lives of others.

What does that look like? I have some ideas. I should blog about them soon.

May the Lamb who was slain receive the reward for His suffering.

2009-08-12T21:31:00.002-06:00

It started out so simply.
God started telling me that there were some things that were getting in the way of my effectiveness and relationship with Him. He gave me things to cut back on... time on the phone with my dear friends, "my time" to unwind and chat and surf Facebook, etc. He said that I was too scattered, that He wanted my focus to be here at home.
I could handle that, in fact I agreed.
Then we took it a step farther and a couple friends and I decided to declare the month of August scared to God. We made a list of distractions to avoid, as well as a list of things we wanted to put extra time and energy into such as prayer, studying out some issues we had questions about, time with God, and time with our families.
I was excited about it. I so wanted God to show up in an amazing way as I eliminated distractions and truly dedicated my time to seeking Him. I started asking God to teach us faith, allow us to experience brokenness, to take away all attachment to the world, and to have His heart for others.
I meant it. I wanted Him to do big things.
And then He did.
And that was when it got hard.
He asked me to give up the one thing that I am most attached to.
That's like Him, isn't it? To take us at our word and give us what we ask for? I know that He wants me to be set apart to Him even more than I do.
But... oh, it hurts.
But I still say yes. I still ask Him to push forward. It's come to the point of closing my eyes and simply hanging on for dear life, trying to ignore the emotions. Gritting my teeth and begging Him to cut deeper... and to do it quick before I chicken out again.
That part from Tozer's book that I shared in my last post has so challenged me. I do not want to allow anything to take the place of my God on the throne of my heart. That seems so much more horrible than simply backing off on things that were cutting down on my effectiveness. But that is the reality of it. I am realizing how many time the pronouns "my" and "mine" show up in my vocabulary. And those are the things God is asking for.

I open my hands.
Take them, Father, take them.
I want YOU more.
.... And please make me able to bear it.

The Blessedness of Possessing Nothing

2009-08-12T09:13:00.001-06:00

The Blessedness of Possessing Nothing- The Pursuit of God by A. W. Tozer

Blessed are the poor in spirit: for theirs is the kindgom of heaven. - Matt. 5:3

Before the Lord God made man upon the earth He first prepared for him by creating a world of useful and pleasant things for his sustenance and delight. In the Genesis account of the creation these are called simply "things." They were made for man's uses, but they were meant always to be external to the man and subservient to him. In the deep heart of the man was a shrine where none but God was worthy to come. Within him was God; without, a thousand gifts which God had showered upon him.

But sin has introduced complications and has made those very gifts of God a potential source of ruin to the soul.

Our woes began when God was forced out of His central shrine and "things" were allowed to enter. Within the human heart "things" have taken over. Men have now by nature no peace within their hearts, for God is crowned there no longer, but there in the moral dusk stubborn and aggressive usurpers fight among themselves for first place on the throne.

This is not a mere metaphor, but an accurate analysis of our real spiritual trouble. There is within the human heart a tough fibrous root of fallen life whose nature is to possess, always to possess. It covets "things" with a deep and fierce passion. The pronouns "my" and "mine" look innocent enough in print, but their constant and universal use is significant. They express the real nature of the old Adamic man better than a thousand volumes of theology could do. They are verbal symptoms of our deep disease. The roots of our hearts have grown down into things, and we dare not pull up one rootlet lest we die. Things have become necessary to us, a development never originally intended. God's gifts now take the place of God, and the whole course of nature is upset by the monstrous substitution.

Our Lord referred to this tyranny of things when He said to His disciples, "If any man will come after me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow me. For whosoever will save his life shall lose it: and whosoever shall lose his life for my sake shall find it."

Breaking this truth into fragments for our better understanding, it would seem that there is within each of us an enemy which we tolerate at our peril. Jesus called it "life" and "self," or as we would say, the selflife. Its chief characteristic is its possessiveness: the words "gain" and "profit" suggest this. To allow this enemy to live is in the end to lose everything. To repudiate it and give up all for Christ's sake is to lose nothing at last, but to preserve everything unto life eternal. And possibly also a hint is given here as to the only effective way to destroy this foe: it is by the Cross. "Let him take up his cross and follow me."

The way to deeper knowledge of God is through the lonely valleys of soul poverty and abnegation of all things. The blessed ones who possess the Kingdom are they who have repudiated every external thing and have rooted from their hearts all sense of possessing. These are the "poor in spirit." They have reached an inward state paralleling the outward circumstances of the common beggar in the streets of Jerusalem; that is what the word "poor" as Christ used it actually means. These blessed poor are no longer slaves to the tyranny of things. They have broken the yoke of the oppressor; and this they have done not by fighting but by surrendering. Though free from all sense of possessing, they yet possess all things. "Theirs is the kingdom of heaven."

Let me exhort you to take this seriously. It is not to be understood as mere Bible teaching to be stored away in the mind along with an inert mass of other doctrines. It is a marker on the road to greener pastures, a path chiseled against the steep sides of the mount of God. We dare not try to by-pass it if we would follow on in this holy pursuit. We must ascend a step at a time. If we refuse one step we bring our progress to an end.

As is frequently true, this New Testament principle of spiritual life finds its best illustration in the Old Testament. In the story of Abraham and Isaac we have a dramatic picture of the surrendered life as well as an excellent commentary on the first Beatitude.

Abraham was old when Isaac was born, old enough indeed to have been his grandfather, and the child became at once the delight and idol of his heart. From that moment when he first stooped to take the tiny form awkwardly in his arms he was an eager love slave of his son. God went out of His way to comment on the strength of this affection. And it is not hard to understand. The baby represented everything sacred to his father's heart: the promises of God, the covenants, the hopes of the years and the long messianic dream. As he watched him grow from babyhood to young manhood the heart of the old man was knit closer and closer with the life of his son, till at last the relationship bordered upon the perilous. It was then that God stepped in to save both father and son from the consequences of an uncleansed love.

"Take now thy son," said God to Abraham, "thine only son Isaac, whom thou lovest, and get thee into the land of Moriah; and offer him there for a burnt-offering upon one of the mountains which I will tell thee of." The sacred writer spares us a close-up of the agony that night on the slopes near Beersheba when the aged man had it out with his God, but respectful imagination may view in awe the bent form and convulsive wrestling alone under the stars. Possibly not again until a Greater than Abraham wrestled in the Garden of Gethsemane did such mortal pain visit a human soul. If only the man himself might have been allowed to die. That would have been easier a thousand times, for he was old now, and to die would have been no great ordeal for one who had walked so long with God. Besides, it would have been a last sweet pleasure to let his dimming vision rest upon the figure of his stalwart son who would live to carry on the Abrahamic line and fulfill in himself the promises of God made long before in Ur of the Chaldees.

How should he slay the lad! Even if he could get the consent of his wounded and protesting heart, how could he reconcile the act with the promise, "In Isaac shall thy seed be called"? This was Abraham's trial by fire, and he did not fail in the crucible. While the stars still shone like sharp white points above the tent where the sleeping Isaac lay, and long before the gray dawn had begun to lighten the east, the old saint had made up his mind. He would offer his son as God had directed him to do, and then trust God to raise him from the dead. This, says the writer to the Hebrews, was the solution his aching heart found sometime in the dark night, and he rose "early in the morning" to carry out the plan. It is beautiful to see that, while he erred as to God's method, he had correctly sensed the secret of His great heart. And the solution accords well with the New Testament Scripture, "Whosoever will lose for my sake shall find."

God let the suffering old man go through with it up to the point where He knew there would be no retreat, and then forbade him to lay a hand upon the boy. To the wondering patriarch He now says in effect, "It's all right, Abraham. I never intended that you should actually slay the lad. I only wanted to remove him from the temple of your heart that I might reign unchallenged there. I wanted to correct the perversion that existed in your love. Now you may have the boy, sound and well. Take him and go back to your tent. Now I know that thou fearest God, seeing that thou bast not withheld thy son, thine only son, from me."

Then heaven opened and a voice was heard saying to him, "By myself have I sworn, saith the Lord, for because thou hast done this thing, and bast not withheld thy son, thine only son: that in blessing I will bless thee, and in multiplying I will multiply thy seed as the stars of the heaven, and as the sand which is `upon the sea shore; and thy seed shall possess the gate of his enemies; and in thy seed shall all the nations of the earth be blessed; because thou hast obeyed my voice.

The old man of God lifted his head to respond to the Voice, and stood there on the mount strong and pure and grand, a man marked out by the Lord for special treatment, a friend and favorite of the Most High. Now he was a man wholly surrendered, a man utterly obedient, a man who possessed nothing. He had concentrated his all in the person of his dear son, and God had taken it from him. God could have begun out on the margin of Abraham's life and worked inward to the center; He chose rather to cut quickly to the heart and have it over in one sharp act of separation. In dealing thus He practiced an economy of means and time. It hurt cruelly, but it was effective.

I have said that Abraham possessed nothing. Yet was not this poor man rich? Everything he had owned before was his still to enjoy: sheep, camels, herds, and goods of every sort. He had also his wife and his friends, and best of all he had his son Isaac safe by his side. He had everything, but he possessed nothing. There is the spiritual secret. There is the sweet theology of the heart which can be learned only in the school of renunciation. The books on systematic theology overlook this, but the wise will understand.

After that bitter and blessed experience I think the words "my" and "mine" never had again the same meaning for Abraham. The sense of possession which they connote was gone from his heart. Things had been cast out forever. They had now become external to the man. His inner heart was free from them. The world said, "Abraham is rich," but the aged patriarch only smiled. He could not explain it to them, but he knew that he owned nothing, that his real treasures were inward and eternal.

There can be no doubt that this possessive clinging to things is one of the most harmful habits in the life. Because it is so natural it is rarely recognized for the evil that it is; but its outworkings are tragic.

We are often hindered from giving up our treasures to the Lord out of fear for their safety; this is especially true when those treasures are loved relatives and friends. But we need have no such fears. Our Lord came not to destroy but to save. Everything is safe which we commit to Him, and nothing is really safe which is not so committed.

Our gifts and talents should also be turned over to Him. They should be recognized for what they are, God's loan to us, and should never be considered in any sense our own. We have no more right to claim credit for special abilities than for blue eyes or strong muscles. "For who maketh thee to differ from another? and what bast thou that thou didst not receive?"

The Christian who is alive enough to know himself even slightly will recognize the symptoms of this possession malady, and will grieve to find them in his own heart. If the longing after God is strong enough within him he will want to do something about the matter. Now, what should he do?

First of all he should put away all defense and make no attempt to excuse himself either in his own eyes or before the Lord. Whoever defends himself will have himself for his defense, and he will have no other; but let him come defenseless before the Lord and he will have for his defender no less than God Himself. Let the inquiring Christian trample under foot every slippery trick of his deceitful heart and insist upon frank and open relations with the Lord.

Then he should remember that this is holy business. No careless or casual dealings will suffice. Let him come to God in full determination to be heard. Let him insist that God accept his all, that He take all things out of his heart and Himself reign there in power. It may be he will need to become specific, to name things and people by their names one by one. If he will become drastic enough he can shorten the time of his travail from years to minutes and enter the good land long before his slower brethren who coddle their feelings and insist upon caution in their dealings with God.

Let us never forget that such a truth as this cannot be learned by rote as one would learn the facts of physical science. They must be experienced before we can really know them. We must in our hearts live through Abraham's harsh and bitter experiences if we would know the blessedness which follows them. The ancient curse will not go out painlessly; the tough old miser within us will not lie down and die obedient to our command. He must be torn out of our heart like a plant from the soil; he must be extracted in agony and blood like a tooth from the jaw. He must be expelled from our soul by violence as Christ expelled the money changers from the temple. And we shall need to steel ourselves against his piteous begging, and to recognize it as springing out of self-pity, one of the most reprehensible sins of the human heart.

If we would indeed know God in growing intimacy we must go this way of renunciation. And if we are set upon the pursuit of God He will sooner or later bring us to this test. Abraham's testing was, at the time, not known to him as such, yet if he had taken some course other than the one he did, the whole history of the Old Testament would have been different. God would have found His man, no doubt, but the loss to Abraham would have been tragic beyond the telling. So we will be brought one by one to the testing place, and we may never know when we are there. At that testing place there will be no dozen possible choices for us; just one and an alternative, but our whole future will be conditioned by the choice we make.

Father, I want to know Thee, but my coward heart fears to give up its toys. I cannot part with them without inward bleeding, and I do not try to hide from Thee the terror of the parting. I come trembling, but 1 do come. Please root from my heart all those things which 1 have cherished so long and which have become a very part of my living self, so that Thou mayest enter and dwell there without a rival. Then shalt Thou make the place of Thy feet glorious. Then shall my heart have no need of the sun to shine in it, for Thyself wilt be the light of it, and there shall be no night there. In Jesus' Name, Amen.

I say “Yes!”

2009-06-09T18:59:00.001-06:00

I've wanted to post again for months now, but somehow the words have never come together. I'm not sure that I will have much more success tonight but I am going to try. Sometimes I just need to start writing in order for my thoughts to make any sense. Yet perhaps they don't need to make sense. I am recognizing some of the paradoxes of the Christian life these days… Some things don't make sense in the mind but bring life to the soul.

God is doing a refining it me. Sometimes when I'm lying in bed at night or sitting alone in a quiet house I wonder what the end product will look like, but most of the time I am too busy to ponder this at great length. I think I let living get in the way of Life. I want to change that. I want Life to come first.

God is asking something of me. He is asking me to take surrender to a new level. The problem is, I'm still not sure what He means by that. I have done a wonderful job of coming up with options, all of which would require a good deal of giving up all and walking by faith… yet somehow He remains quiet, simply asking if I'm willing to do it.

"What is 'it' Lord?" I plead, over and over, "I want to do it! Tell me what 'it' is!"

It could mean staying home the next couple years and simply working and praying, giving away all the money I own. I might feel that my life was useless. Would I do it?

It could mean giving up all my plans for July, all my trips to see my closest friends and them coming to see me, and going instead to some third world country to hold starving children and tell them of Jesus. Would I do it?

It could mean more than a summer missions trip. It could mean actually moving to Haiti or Uganda, choosing to live there the rest of my life and never seeing my family and friends again. It could mean living in poverty and simply doing all I could to bring life and heath and love to the hopeless and abandoned.

It could mean living here, working at CHESS, going to college, teaching elementary classes, leading a bible study, reaching out to girls with hurts in their lives, fellowshipping with friends, singing in choir, and loving my family. Could it really? Could that be "all" God asks of me? It could, and part of me thinks that would be even hard than the previous options. It would be so simple to slip back into living as nominal Christian, where God has most of me, but not quite all. It would be so easy to serve Him during the day yet claim my evenings and weekends as my own. It would be harder to stay here. But is that what He is asking of me?

It could mean giving up phone time and chat time and email time and visit time with my dear, Christ-like, edifying friends so that I may more closely focus on the call of God on my life. Ouch. Would I do it?

It could mean lots of things. I would like to think I would do any of them. I would like to think that I would respond "Yes, Lord!" no matter what He asked and follow obediently, and even excitedly, no mater how painful or drastic His request. I would like to think I would. But would I really?

I am currently being saturated with stories of great women of faith like Amy Carmichael, Gladys Alward, Jackie Pullenger, and many others who gave (or are giving) their lives daily for the cause of Christ. These are woman who chose to take up their crosses and follow their Master. I have heard of young men who sold themselves as slaves to share Jesus with slaves, knowing they would never return and declared "May the Lamb that was slain receive the reward of His suffering!"

"It is the life that has no time for trifling that counts" – Amy Carmichael

"I lack nothing. I have everything – everything I want in Christ. But that is not true for the world" – Jackie Pullenger

"Ask not how little, but how much can love give?" – Amy Carmichael

"The gospel always brings life to the receiver and death to the giver. If it killed Him to give life to us, and He invites us to do the same, why should we expect any less?" – Jackie Pullenger

"There is no gain except by loss, no life except by death" – Amy Carmichael

"If I covet any place on earth but the dust at the foot of the cross, then I know nothing of Calvary love" ~ Amy Carmichael

"Tell me in the light of the Cross, isn't it a scandal that you and I live as we do?" – Alan Redpath

It seems to me that the great Deceiver has utterly convinced us that we could never live as these men and women and needn't even try. But I believe we can, and more than that, we must. I read stories about girls younger than me such as Katie Davis, an average American girl who has become the mommy of 13 children in Uganda and I know God has created us for more. We owe Him no less. He bought our very lives with His blood – we are His to do with as He wills. Do we realize that? And do we live in light of this realization?

I choose to stand with Amy Carmichael and Katie Davis and Jackie Pullenger and say that my God can have all of me –all, truly all. He has all of me and can send me to Haiti or Hawaii, lead me through Heaven or Hell, keep me home, I will follow. I say this with confidence, not because I am confident of my own strength, but because He who has begun a good work in me will complete it. I am willing, and He will make me string. I give my life to be a living death and know that it will be the best life I could live. It's one of those paradoxes I mentioned. Isn't it beautiful? May Hell tremble and Heaven rejoice. I don't expect it to be glamorous, I just expect it to be Life. This is how I choose to live.

Heaven help me.

God show me what this means.

But I say yes.

Doomed to be Emotional?

2009-02-26T10:03:00.002-07:00

Emotions - those things that girls struggle with. You know, those things that make them cry. Anger, despair, glee, sorrow, contentment, confusion, tiredness (does tiredness count as an emotion? It does in my book,) and, always, lots of tears.

For as long as I can remember, I have been tired. For as long as I can remember, becoming over tired meant an emotional melt down. I can count the number of times in my life that I have had a week where I felt well rested and well. I really do not like being emotional. I have a hard time saying the word without scorn creeping into my voice. It is always humbling to admit to others that my emotions have such a strong hold over me.

The last four days have been some of the most emotional I have ever experienced. (Did I mention how much I despise emotional days? I do.) The worst thing was, I really wasn’t sure why I was emotional. I knew something was terribly wrong, I just wasn’t sure what it was.
I felt that I would never be healthy; that I would never consistently have that feeling of well being that so many people in this world take for granted every day, and never have the energy to accomplish what I felt called to. I felt that I would never find a place where I could serve God without the extreme failure I had experienced multiple times before; I cared strongly about people, but could not seem to serve them as I longed… instead I always ended up alienating them and wondering if it would be better for me to just stay out of their lives all together. Worst of all, I felt that I was loosing my passion and joy. Loosing the driving force behind my optimism and dreams – faith and hope, faith that God would make something out of the tangled mess I was sobbing over seemingly every day, and hope that that time would come before too much longer. I didn’t doubt that He could… just that He actually would.
How did I get there? Strangely, I have no idea why these fierce emotions decided to crop up this last week. There have been plenty of times when explaining such emotions would not be difficult, but now? My life is wonderful. I am excited about the ministries I am a part of, the possibilities for the future, and the amazing friends God has placed in my life. Why did my happy little world of emotional stability have to fall apart right now?
I can put names on the emotions I was feeling. I was hurting for a friend and a brother who are struggling. I was struggling to open myself up to the possibility of beginning again the process of restoration in a relationship. But these are things I have dealt with countless times in the last five years.
I was reminded of a note my friend Lauren wrote about “stored up mourning.” She talked about how she was suddenly overwhelmed by emotions stemming from situations that had taken place quite a length of time before, but over which she had never properly mourned. That makes sense to me… but I have already mourned these very things over and over…. and over and over. Why are they still so fresh and painful? Why is it that any memory seems to bring back waves of emotions so strong that I stagger, and question if I have truly dealt with the issue before. Yet I know I have. I did last time this happened. And the time before that. And, yes, the time before that, too.
Why again? Why now? Am I to staunchly renounce my emotions and tell myself to believe the truth? The truth? What is the truth? Honestly, if one more person tells me that I need to just tell myself the truth I think I will strangle them. Coming from a Prophet, that is really saying something! I hate that I feel that way. But I do. Isn’t there more to cling to that “the truth”? I’m tired of that answer. It hasn’t helped me. I have been disillusioned and hurt… I don’t want any more truth. I just want God. How am I to find Him in this maze of emotion? How I abhor my ridiculous emotions!
Still, God met me tonight. I was lying on a dirt mount, wearing a coat I picked up from the drycleaner only this morning. He reminded me (not for the first time) that emotions are not always accurate reflections of circumstances. Just because I feel does not mean it is. He is still quietly directing and orchestrating my life, even while I grope for another tissue. All I can do is wait with patience. It will all be ok, He told me. It will all be ok.
What that means, I do not know.
Why I am so emotional, I do not know.
Oh! How I wish I did! And how I wish I had a cure for it! Did He make me like this? Or is it a character flaw I am supposed to overcome? How I wish I knew! Yet if I must go through times like this frequently, I am willing to do so. I still don't like it.
But it will all be ok.
Somehow.

This is a rather depressing note. I hesitate to even post it. But for some reason I am anyway. Take it with a grain of salt.
__________________________

______________________________________________

While I’m Waiting
I'm waiting
I'm waiting on You, Lord
And I am hopeful
I'm waiting on You, Lord
Though it is painful
But patiently, I will wait

I will move ahead, bold and confident
Taking every step in obedience
While I'm waiting
I will serve You
While I'm waiting
I will worship
While I'm waiting
I will not faint
I'll be running the race
Even while I wait

I'm waiting
I'm waiting on You, Lord
And I am peaceful
I'm waiting on You, Lord
Though it's not easy
But faithfully, I will wait
Yes, I will wait
I will serve You while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting
I will serve You while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting
I will serve you while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting on You, Lord

Did You Ever Need A Song
Did you ever need a song that's soft and low,
Mood indigo, just because
Did you ever need a sabbath space
To sit and face what no one does.
To take off your skin and start over again
Or to lay on your back and cry
The kind that comes to wash your soul,
Scrub you clean and make you whole
The kind that leaves you heavy sighin'

Did you ever need to take account
Of all you've found, what's true or not.
Did you ever need to bare your soul
To be truly know by a loving God
Oh to take off your skin and start over again
Oh to lay on your back and cry
Oh the kind that leaves you puffy eyed,
Weighted with strange peace in side,
The kind that leaves you heavy sighin'
Oh to take off your skin and start over again
Oh to lay on your back and cry
Oh the kind that comes to wash your soul,
Scrub you clean and leave you whole
The kind that leaves you heavy sighin'
Heavy sighin'

2008-10-26T16:14:00.001-06:00

A friend visited me last week.

She has seen me at my worst and still loves me.

She encourages me, and has the ability to point out my blind spots, like no one else.

She brings out the little girl in me.

And the passionate world changer.

We did a lot in the nine days she was here.
We walked across pipes.

We hung out with my little brothers.

We laughed a lot.

We did crazy stuff I'd never done before.

We discussed deep theological issues with our brothers.

We treated each other like sisters.

She got along great with my friends.

She brightened each day with her cuteness.

She is my hug from God, my sister, my fellow world changer, my friend.

I miss her.
I hope she comes back soon.

Women In Leadership

2008-06-24T15:30:00.000-06:00

Leadership is defined as the ability to affect human behavior so as to accomplish a mission. It is influencing a group of people to move towards its goal or achievement. Leadership is a powerful tool that can be used for immense good or evil. It is valuable to understand the proper place of leadership as designed by God.

There is a position of leadership held by all believers, women as much as men. We are the called out ones, ordained by God to set the example for the world, the bearers of the image of God. This concept indicates a leadership role that no one can say is to be carried only by men. All believers are given the Holy Spirit, (2 Corinthians 1:21-22,) are joint heirs with Christ (Romans 8:17,) are God's coworkers (2 Corinthians 6:1,) are ministers of reconciliation (2 Corinthians 5:17-20,) and are seated with Christ in the heavenly realms (Ephesians 2:6.)

Scripture gives clear direction on various positions that are not appropriate for women. I Corinthians 14:34 says, “Let your women keep silence in the churches: for it is not permitted unto them to speak; but they are commanded to be under obedience as also saith the law.” I Timothy 2:12 says, “But I suffer not a woman to teach, nor to usurp authority over the man, but to be in silence.” Clearly there are times and places where women are not to exercise a position of leadership. God has made evident that He desires women to be under the protection and authority of men.

Authority and leadership are not synonymous. It is not always necessary for a leader to have authority; often the leadership of the influencer is more effective than that of the authority. In my opinion, women thrive best when they exercise leadership under a higher authority, a support role, not in the highest position of authority. This gives them protection and direction, but also allows them to exercise their unique talents. While men are the head of the home, the wives and mothers are the ones to set the mood. Submission to authority gives women freedom to flourish in the leadership positions delegated to them.

For a godly woman to lead by their lifestyle is non-optional. Micah 6:8 clearly states what God desires of all His children: to act justly, to love mercy, and to walk humbly with the Lord. What better leader could be found than one, man or woman, who follows these commands? I believe that deference must be exercised in considering the question of women in leadership. Authority and appropriateness will play a large part in determining when and where a woman should lead. The Holy Spirit has been given for the express purpose of leading us, as believers, into all truth and I am confident that He will offer specific guidance in this issue.

Musings on Leadership

2008-06-13T22:25:00.000-06:00

I've been doing a large amount of thinking (and writing, incidentally) on this topic of late. Being a team leader at our ice cream shop, being the responsible party at home, and having to write an essay on the topic has prompted many new thoughts. I'll share just a few of them tonight. I'd love any feedback!

"Once accepted, leadership is not something I can take on and off as a coat. I find I hold, hidden in some corner of my being, a strong belief that I am entitled to breaks. It seems unfair that once I have accepted, or possibly been forced into, a position of leadership I must bear it the rest of my life. However, a beautiful truth comes into play as I contemplate this struggle. I often see the grace of God as only needed at certain times of life, in specific circumstances. As I recognize my huge responsibility to always live in a manner worthy of imitation, I catch a glimpse of the true sufficiency of God’s grace – not only for certain moments but for every moment. This is a much larger scale than I ever imagined.

In The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe by C.S. Lewis, the great lion Aslan explains to the four newly crowned rulers the solemnity of their position. He says, “Once a king or queen in Narnia, always a king or queen. Bear it well, Sons of Adam! Bear it well, daughters of Eve!”

In Spiritual Disciplines for the Christian Life Donald S. Whitney states that “Discipline without direction is drudgery.” So I ask myself, “Why am I a leader? What do I want to encourage others to follow?” I can think of no better goal than Christ likeness. I long to be able to say with Paul “Be followers of me as I am of Christ” (I Corinthians 11:1.)
Leadership is an incredible responsibility, yet also an enormous privilege. As a called out and set apart daughter of God I cannot escape it. May I bear it well, as Christ is my strength."

Penguins, Boys, and Other Happy Things from My Life

2008-05-31T23:50:00.000-06:00

In honor of the graduate

Skittles from Grace

My desk

My monkey

A rediculously funny picture

Friends on a sunny day

What everyone calls "The shovel picture"

Prospectors

I still can't look at this one without laughing. My guys are the greatest.

You're Bigger!

2008-05-22T12:59:00.000-06:00

Have you ever gone back to a place that was special to you when you were younger, and which you had not visited for many years? Did it seem the same to you? Or did you find it smaller? Less magical? So often that is the way it is. After we grow up and return to a special childhood place we see it differently. We are bigger, thus it seem smaller. We are more knowledgeable, thus it does not seem as incredible.

It is not so with our God. As we grow and learn more of the world He does not seem smaller, weaker, or less magical. C. S. Lewis says it like this in Prince Caspian:
"Welcome, child," he said.
"Aslan," said Lucy, "you're bigger."
"That is because you are older, little one," answered he.
"Not because you are?"
"I am not. But every year you grow, you will find me bigger."

Is that not a thrilling thought? Instead of our God seeming smaller and less magical as we grow, He grows as well. Not because He is changing, but because we understand more of Him.

In View of Eternity

2008-05-15T10:33:00.000-06:00

I have struggled with questions about health. Contemplated God’s reasons for allowing His children to suffer for prolonged periods of time. I have asked this question numerous times before, and each time the Lord has given me words of comfort - always a slightly different perspective, always a new view of His character.

Recently I found myself asking again. How could this possibly be for His glory and our best good? As I sat on my bed, crying and questioning, the Lord gave me some verses. They have come to mean even more to me as I have thought on and prayed over them.

2 Corinthians 4
16 Therefore we do not lose heart. Even though our outward man is perishing, yet the inward man is being renewed day by day. 17 For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, is working for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory, 18 while we do not look at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen. For the things which are seen are temporary, but the things which are not seen are eternal.

An eternal perspective. A lifetime seems oh so long, especially in the light of pain and illness, until we view it in light of eternity. What is seventy or eighty years compared to infinity? This is how long we will live perfect lives, apart from our frail bodies. Can we not endure anything for a lifetime? Knowing that it is preparing us for eternity?

It is ok to not know why. We don’t have to know why the Lord does thing in order to trust Him. If we seek to know everything, we will be filled with pride… Remember Lucifer? We do not have to understand in order to believe that something will work good in us eventually, nor do we have to see that good now.

So I remain content to trust my all-knowing, all-powerful God. I rejoice that He finds me, and others, worthy to suffer for His sake. I relish the knowledge that “We have not a High Priest which cannot be touched with the feeling of our infirmities.”

God is faithful.

A conversation with myself

2008-04-18T14:15:00.000-06:00

“Beloved, now are we the sons of God…”

Um hum. That’s nice.

“…and it doth not yet appear what…”

Wait a minute. Back up.

“Now are we the sons of God.”

Incredible.

Children, descendants, of…. God? Wow.

The legacy of deity.

The manifestation and representation of the Holy One.

The “only Bible some may ever read.”

Is this just a bit scary to you?

“Beloved, now are we the sons of God.”

The Covenant of Joy

2008-04-15T10:36:00.000-06:00

My vow:
Whatsoever Thou sayest unto me, by Thy grace I will do it.

My Constraint:
Thy love, O Christ, my Lord.

My Confidence:
Thou art able to keep that which I have committed unto Thee.

My Joy:
To do Thy will, O God.

My Discipline:
That which I would not choose, but which Thy love appoints

My Prayer:
Conform my will to Thine.

My Motto:
Love to live, live to love.

My Portion:
The Lord is the portion of mine inheritance.

Teach us, good Lord, to serve Thee as Thou deservest; to give and not to count the cost; to fight and not to heed the wounds; to toil and not to seek for rest; to labor and not to ask for any reward save that of knowing that we do Thy will, O Lord our God.
~Amy Carmichael

May it be so with me.

"And You Mourn"

2008-03-27T16:31:00.000-06:00

I replay the words over and over in my mind. “You wait, and ask God how to love them,” she said, “and you mourn.”

A friend came over for lunch today. My mom, brother and I all sat around the table with her and talked. We talked as we have not in a very long time. We talked about dancing, about God’s will and planning our lives, about asking questions and about faith.

Somewhere in the middle of it all, as we were jumping from subject to subject, I asked a question. “How do we love God? How do we accept His love through people without becoming too attached to the people themselves?” These are questions I have asked with tears at many points in my life. They have many names attached to them. The answers seem just as illusive as ever. How attached am I supposed to be to people? Why is it that I love people so much but they don’t seem to want to be around me? How can it be that a close friendship so quickly dissipates and suddenly we find nothing to talk about? Why do I still care so much? Why does it hurt so much? Little by little I have learned to not be so devastated by these losses, but I still ask the questions, and yes, I ask in tears.

Today I was confronted by puzzled looks and cocked heads. “What is wrong,” I was asked, “with becoming attached to people? God shows us His love through them, and we show our love for Him through them as well.” I paused in confusion. Long ago God shattered the belief that I wasn’t supposed to depend on people because I only needed Him. He showed me that He uses people to give Himself to me. Still, was I not supposed to detach myself from the channel, and only cling to the One who was pouring Himself through them? Today I was given a different picture. I was told that we are to love the people God places in our lifes, and that love is never without attachment. Hmm.

Then we moved on, talking about what we should question and the right and wrong ways to question. We finally cleaned up lunch and my friend went home. But my mind was still back on the subject of loving people. “Mom, did you mean that it is impossible to become too attached to people?” She paused, “Well, I lean heavily toward that. Of course, it is wrong to smother them, or to be so wrapped up in them that you exclude the other people in your life. But I do not believe we can love people too much.” The tears gathered in my eyes as I asked, “Then what are we supposed to do when the people we love push us away or do not have time for us, or no longer seem to need or want us?”

“You wait, and ask God how to love them, and you mourn.”

As I turned away to hide the tears flowing down my face I pondered that thought. Was it ok after all that I cared so deeply? Was it truly right for me to delight in the friends God has given me and to desire for them to delight in me as well? Was this not an expression of attachment to the “things of the world” as I had feared, but rather an expression of loving and being loved by God?

It is good to love. And it is ok to mourn! It is good to mourn. This rings true in my spirit, but my heart still aches and wishes for an easier answer. And so it often is. Yet, what freedom!

“No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us.” 1 John 4:12

A Little Sunshine

2008-03-27T09:52:00.000-06:00

As I sit here, feet in the dirt, back to a tree, sun on my face, I cannot help but feel that I am loved and that the life stretched before me will be a beautiful adventure. Yes, God is good, for how could He be otherwise and have planned for me such a satisfying moment in time?

It’s amazing the difference a little sunshine can make.

Look Up

2008-03-27T09:48:00.000-06:00

Lord, I am missing You today! It seems like You have been this ever present thought at the back of my mind, over my shoulder, an expectancy toward ‘later.’ Not always conscious, but always present. It’s kind of like You are waiting silently for me to take a moment and look up and see You smiling at me. Maybe You’ll invite me out for coffee. But I go on, too busy, tired, or distracted to actually look up. Sure, I know You are there, and will often address a comment or question to you…

But oh! If I would only look up!

May Haman Rot

2008-03-21T12:24:00.000-06:00

Welcome to the Feast of Purim!
Please come on in and have a seat.

Thursday night we celebrated the courage of Queen Esther and God's protection of His people. We dressed up, served Jewish food and even sang a song in Hebrew.

Did you know that Pur means 'the lot' and refers to the lot that Haman cast to determine when he could annihilate the Jews? Did you also know that during the reading of the Book of Esther, each time Mordicai is mentioned everyone cheers, but any time Haman is mentioned everyone is supposed to boo and hiss?

As I reviewed this remarkable story I was struck by the supernatural intervention that is evident in every aspect, even though God's name is never mentioned in the book. I see Him in the little things:

Accidental eavesdropping that lead the discovery of a murderous plot
A sleepless night
Reading from a random part of a random chronicle
Seeking advice from whomever happened to be in the outer court

These 'little things' have the handwriting of God all over them.

The purpose of this dinner was for the teens to interact with the seniors of the church. Each teen was assigned to wait on a table. Because I am no longer in the youth group I got a special table.

Dessert: Haman's Ears or Hat or something... it tasted good anyway.

Then there was the clean up... Men in dresses doing dishes. I'm sure I'll never see it again. But that is one thing I love about our youth group - everyone is a good sport, does what needs to be done, and has a blast in the process. May God continue give our teens a heart of service... even if it includes dressing up and doing dishes.

“Roads are for journeys, not destinations.”

2008-03-12T11:55:00.000-06:00

My life stretched before me, full of possibility, full of impossible situations where God would show up and wow the world. I was sure of it. I lived in confidence that my God would do what He said He would do. He would be glorified. He would complete the work He had begun in me. He would show Himself strong. He would show the nations that He was God and they were but men.

Then something unfathomable happened. God did not come through for me. I came up against a situation I was unable to deal with and God did not answer my cry for help. I knew it couldn’t be His fault – He is God after all. But I didn’t know where I had failed. It happened again and again. Thus began over four years laced with confusion, questioning, desperation, and hopelessness.

Today, as I look back over my journals, I see an incredible journey unfolding. My helpless frustration resulted because I was looking for the end result too soon. I could not see where my road was heading. I felt I was floundering helplessly. But I was wrong. My goal should not be to live a perfect Christian life, but rather to know my God and delight in Him. This gives me a whole new perspective on the road I travel. I am no longer trying to get somewhere as quickly as possible. (Not that I was ever sure exactly where I should be going, and this was a huge frustration.) God is teaching me to wait on His timing. Roads are for journeys, not destinations.

This journey is a peculiar one. I am beginning to see just how little the outcome depends on me. I am seeking to know God and I find it to be the easiest and the most difficult pursuit in the world, for I am discovering that God is not waiting on me to figure Him out but rather that Scripture states I am to wait on Him. The more I find myself to be nothing the more I stand it awe at all He is. The idea that I can, by some great assertion of my will, discover God or live in a manner that pleases Him is truly laughable.

I still often find myself shrouded in confusion. Many times I cannot see God in the situations around me. I cannot fathom how He can be willing or allowing the pain of His children and the triumph of evil. In these moments I cling to the faith that He has been strengthening so beautifully. If He has always been good before, will He not continue? He promises that His ways and thoughts are not only different from mine, but higher.

I am reminded of Elizabeth Elliot’s book “These Strange Ashes” where she tells the story of her first difficult year as a missionary. At the end of the year she looked back on four huge losses and next to no apparent gain. Yet looking back she says this,

“Each separate experience of individual stripping we may learn to accept as a fragment of the suffering Christ bore when He took it all. “Surely he hath borne our griefs and carried our sorrows.” This grief, this sorrow, this total loss that empties my hands and breaks my heart, I may, if I will, accept, and by accepting it, I find in my hands something to offer. And so I give it back to Him, who in mysterious exchange gives Himself to me.”

“And so it often is. Faith, prayer and obedience are our requirements. We are not offered in exchange immunity and exemption from the world’s woes. What we are offered has to do with another world altogether.”

We are not of this world. Yet how quickly we become consumed with it and how painful we find the loss of its joys. If we would only turn our eyes to Jesus and look full in His wonderful face we would find a perspective altogether different from the one we know and, may I say, far superior because it is the perspective of the One who can see all of eternity in a single moment.

So I walk on, hand in hand with the King of the universe, no longer straining my eyes for a glimpse of my destination but relishing the journey. My God, Jehovah, has most beautifully lead me. Will He not continue to do so?

“Roads are for journeys, not destinations.”

It makes me happy.